Vi in Wonderland
by mr.steamer96
Summary: Vi ends up down the rabbit hole while pursuing Jinx, who is for some reason dressed as bunny and claims that she is late for something...where have I heard this before...Yep, this happening.
1. Down the Rabbit Hole

**AN: So yeah, I'm doing this. Gotta tell you, this isn't exactly the most original idea I've had, but it does make for a great writing exercise; plus its going to be hella fun to do. I know there's a lot of Alice related parodies out there and I don't expect this one to be any different. If you're sick of parodies such as these...then I'm sorry, this just too good of an opportunity for me to throw away (you could always not read it :)). Anyway, on with the worst best idea I've ever head. Probably will be updated weekly.**

The endless journey that was her pursuit of Piltover's greatest threat had led Vi to Summoner's Rift. The enforcer had gotten an anonymous tip that Jinx was hiding out within the lanes of the Rift. Seeking to end the third manhunt for the loose cannon this month, Vi was deployed to the forest groves. She had stationed herself in the bottom lane, relatively quiet with no sign of gunshots or annoying laughter. Vi just knew that Jinx would leap out of hiding from the tall grass at any given moment. She exhaled lazily and sat down, back propped against her turret. The knuckles of her hextech gauntlets cracked as she crushed them together in anticipation.

"Come out," she whispered to herself, "I'm gonna take that stupid pink gun and smash it over your sorry skull, then I'm gonna punch your face until its nothing but a puddle. I'm ready for you, Jinx."

The single minutes seemed to multiply into ten then into whole hours. Nothing to be heard at all, Vi's head lolled onto her shoulder as her eyelids grew heavy.

…..

Vi's snoring hit a high note when she stirred awake. Her eyes shot open when she realized what she had done. Hoping that her nap was only a few minutes, she looked at the build in clock on her gauntlets.

 _Three O'clock!,_ she mentally yelled, _Damn! I must've slept for a couple of hours!_ She angrily slammed her fist on the soil, dust briefly rose from the impact. Jinx had probably seen her and was gone by now.

Vi pulled herself up, ready to head back to the nexus for extraction, when the tall grass nearby suddenly began to shake. She rotated around and entered a battle stance.

"Who's there?" she demanded, "I know someone's there! Show yourself now and I may lessen the beating!"

It happened all at once, the loose cannon herself leaped out from her hiding spot…but completely unarmed. At least to Vi it seemed to be Jinx at least at first glance, something was definitely off. Jinx was wearing a dress, with red and black patterns, strange because she hated dresses and would never wear them on normal circumstances. She claimed she felt as if she was wearing a monkey suit (much to Wukong's offense). Two white rabbit ears protruded from her head with a cottontail placing itself on her rump. Perhaps she had a mishap with Lulu?

"Jinx?" Vi questioned, tilting her head. Why was she dressed as a rabbit? The strange Jinx variation reached into pocket on her dress's waist and pulled out a pocket watch. She almost seemed to ignore Vi like a stranger.

"Oh my gracious!" she suddenly yelled in a somewhat random panic, "I'll be late! I'm late!" Before Vi could inquire any further, the rabbit dressed Jinx sprinted away into the Rift jungle.

"Wait!" Vi called out and chased after her. It was seconds before she did catch up with Jinx and lunged at her, tackling her to the ground.

"You're not going anywhere, Jinx!" the blue haired girl struggled within the grasps of the gauntlets.

"Release me now, large handed brute! I must go at once! I'm late! And who is this 'Jinx'? I know no one who goes by that name!" she argued.

"Oh sure!" Vi taunted, "Cut the crap, Jinx! I know it's you! You're disguises couldn't fool a poro!"

Suddenly, the rabbit girl's elbow smashed into Vi's face causing her to loosen her grip and Jinx was able to wiggle free.

"I apologize! I really do! But I mustn't stay! She'll have my head if I'm late again!" she frantically said before resuming her sprint deeper into the jungle, constantly screaming 'I'm late! I'm late!'

"Get back here!" Vi yelled, pissed off now, and gave chase once more. She lost sight of Jinx through the foliage but was able to follow the sound of fast paced footsteps.

Vi pushed through shrub after shrub until she came to a small grove within the forest area. She caught a glimpse of Jinx jumping down an unsuspecting hole in the ground. A rabbit hole, silly enough.

"You're mine, now!" Vi called and dove into the hole after her without a second thought.

Vi expected to hit the bottom within seconds, but she never seemed to reach it. She just fell downward in an endless dark void (not to be confused with the actual void). At first, she curled herself into a ball and braced for a body shattering crash. When it became clear that none was coming. Vi slowly outstretched her body into a free fall like fashion. The deeper she fell, the more unusual the hole became.

Mounted, lighted candles soon appeared on the sides of the endless cavern. Vi's fear of her impending landing turned into curiosity when things even got stranger. Sticking to the sides and defying gravity was pieces of furniture and common household items. Wardrobes, cupboards, chairs, couches, tables, and beds all stuck to the sides without effort. Soon random items began falling alongside Vi; bicycles, ticking clocks, more furniture, and even some jungle creatures, who acknowledged her presence with friendly waves.

"Hi there, stranger!" a scuttler said as it fell past her, "Lovely day for a fall, isn't it?" It laughed hard before disappearing into the abyss below. Vi clutched her head.

"What the hell is going on!?" she screamed.

She looked down and could see that the bottom was in sight and she would eventually reach it. Her eyes darted around, looking for something that could lessen her impact or break her fall. Luck favored her this time and a falling umbrella stand presented itself. Vi snatched one and threw it open. Sure enough, she began to gently float downwards as she breathed a sigh of relief.

The tips of her boots tapped the marble floor as she landed softly. Tossing the umbrella aside, Vi surveyed her surroundings. It appeared to be a long hallway with red carpet trailing down the marble tiled floor. Abstract paintings hung on each side of the wall parallel to each other. Vi had to stop and think, what just happened? Where was she?

 _Is this another dimension in the fabrics of Valoran? It wouldn't be the first, since there's the Shadow Isles and the Void. Could this be a new unexplored one? How did Jinx know about it? Perhaps she teamed up with an evil mage who gave her the means to use it as a hiding place. But why was she acting so odd, even for her standards, and dressing like a rabbit? And what does she mean by 'I'm late'?_

Vi had her fair share of magic encounters, this one should be no different. There's a dangerous criminal out there that must be brought to justice…or have her face hideously disfigured.

"I'm coming to get you, Jinx," Vi growled as she advanced forward, "You can't hide forever."


	2. Door to Wonderland

At last, the hallway ended with a dead end. The final room was square with not a whole lot to offer, or so it seemed. There was only a glass table in the center and the colorful wallpaper went blank with the grey marble floor switched to a checkerboard pattern. What vexed Vi the most was the door. It was metal plated and vastly undersized, measuring only up to her shin. Even a Yordel would have to bow his/her head to get through the doorway. Vi got down on her knees and gave the door it a cynical look.

"Seriously?" she asked aloud, "Why would a door be so tiny?"

She reached out and wrapped her hand around the doorknob and gave it a twist, only to be met with a metallic click. Patience wasn't exactly Vi's forte, so she began roughly tugging at it as she tried to force it past its limits.

"Easy there, Miss, pull any harder and you might end up hurting yourself." A familiar voice said. Vi yelped and fell onto her back, not expecting to hear anyone.

"Who said that!?" she snapped, looking around the empty room.

"Down here," the heavy accented, robot-like voice said. Vi tilted her head down to the door. The silver knob bore a shockingly close resemblance to the mask of certain mechanical mage from Zaun.

"Viktor?" Vi asked in disbelief, "What are you doing down here and since when were you a door?"

"I am not a door," huffed the knob, "I am a door knob, there is a difference."

"Alright, sure, but why?"

"Why?" he repeated, "Well, that's a stupid question to ask. That is as if I asked you 'why are you human?' And who is this 'Viktor'? I am a door knob, I have no name. But since you seem so keen on calling me such, I guess I can excuse it."

"But…you're that loon from Zaun. You know, create a world of machines and replace all organic life." Vi said, still confused. The Viktor-knob paused.

"I can assure you, you must have me confused with someone else. All I do is open and close…but a world full of machines does sound like a promising investment." Vi didn't want to drag this out anymore.

"Whatever, have you seen Jinx? You know, blue hair psychopath, pale skin, annoying laugh, dressed as a rabbit for some reason…"

"Oh," the knob said in realization, "You mean the white rabbit?"

"…Sure I guess. Listen, she's a wanted criminal and I'm bringing her in. I have to find her."

"Well, she just went through moments ago, you just missed her in fact."

"Can you let me through, then?" asked Vi.

"I can, but it doesn't look like you can," the Viktor-knob pointed out, "You're far too big to fit through."

"Well, how do you expect me to get through?" Vi asked.

"In order to past through, you must…" the knob took a dramatic pause, "Evolve."

"No way, Vik," retorted Vi, "I'm not buying into any of that mechanical b.s you're trying to sell."

"This has nothing to do with mechanics, Miss, just look on the table behind you." Vi briefly glanced around and sure enough, there was now something on the once blank table.

Upon closer inspection, it turned out to be a finger-sized flask with a tiny label attached to it that read, 'Drink me'. Vi scratched her head.

"How come I didn't see that before?" she asked.

"Not everyone has the eye of the shutterbug, it seems." The Viktor-knob said. Vi picked up the flask and unscrewed the lid with her fingertips with great difficulty because of the hextech gauntlet's large fingers.

"So...I just drink it?" she asked the knob, hoping that whatever was in the flask wasn't poisonous.

"No, shove it your nostrils while singing 'I'm a Little Teapot'. Yes! You're supposed to drink it, didn't you read the label?" sassed the Viktor-knob. Vi shrugged her shoulders, still unsure.

"Well…down the hatch," she said and took a single shot from the flask, completely draining all its contents. Her tongue shuddered at the sour tasting liquid before she went still and expected something to happen.

"So, what was the point of-AH!" Vi suddenly gripper her stomach, feeling as if a swarm of butterflies fluttered about within. At the same time, she felt as if the room got bigger. She soon found that she wasn't just seeing things, the walls really did look as if they have grown taller.

"Hey! What's this!?" Vi angrily asked.

"You have evolved!" announced the Viktor-doorknob, proudly. Now, Vi could hear him more on her level rather than from below. To her surprise, she was now on equal size scale with the door.

"I shrunk!" she cried.

"Evolved," corrected the knob. Man, he really liked saying that word.

"I can go in, right?" asked Vi. If the knob could shrug, he could.

"Don't see why not," he said. Vi gripped the knob again and turned it to the right. Again, she was met with the same click.

"What gives?" asked Vi, her short patience diminishing.

"Oh," the heavy accented knob said, "That's right. I forgot to mention…I am locked."

"You're what!?" Vi shouted, eyes narrowing.

"Locked, as in not being unlocked, as in I cannot open without a key." Vi face palmed with a gauntlet.

"Really!? Really!? Now you're telling me you're locked and you need a key!? Why didn't you tell me earlier?" she half-exploded.

"You never asked me," the Viktor-knob simply responded. Vi breathed in and out, regaining her composure.

"Fine, fine," she mumbled, "So, where is the key?"

"On the table, didn't you see it?" Vi looked up. Hanging off the edge of the glass surface, was a silver key. The enforcer was dumbfounded.

"Something tells me that you lost a lot of games of 'I Spy' as a child, Miss," the Viktor-knob teased. Vi ignored him and continued staring up at the table, which seemed like a skyscraper at her height.

"How the hell do you expect me to get it?" she asked him in mock stupidity, "Climb up there? I'll be doing that for days!"

"What about the checking the box to your left?" suggested the knob.

Vi's posture straightened when she spotted the small jewelry box at her side, just sitting on the floor plain as can be. Raising an eyebrow, she picked the strange new item up.

"How are you doing that? Are you just able to summon random crap?" she asked the door.

"I am doing nothing but pointing out the obvious to you, Miss." The Viktor-knob said.

"Again, how come I never saw it until now?" Vi asked.

"Perhaps you are in need of glasses." More sass from the door knob.

Vi rolled her eyes and lifted the lid of the box. Inside was a mint-sized candy with another label attached to it, this one spelling out 'Eat me'. Vi couldn't help but chuckle at the label, that same phrase is quite common within her criminal confrontations in Piltover.

The enforcer popped the entire piece into her mouth and swallowed it, having no desire to chew the hard candy. After ingesting it, she waited once again for a strange new outcome. Within that same moment, her head suddenly collided with the ceiling and the room grew smaller around her. The Viktor-knob looked up at her.

"Seems you evolved a bit too much, Miss!" he called up to her. Vi rubbed her head.

"I didn't think I would grow this big," said Vi.

"Do you see the key?' asked the knob. Vi was able to recover said object, again struggling because of her huge size and the gauntlets made it even worse.

"Ok, now I can get through, right?" she asked, showcasing the key.

"Yes and no," the knob said, "You can unlock me, but aside from that, I think that we're back to square one." Vi exhaled, making sense of what the issue was.

"I'm too big, aren't I?" she said in monotone.

"Hey, I point out the obvious here!" interjected the knob, "And yes, yes you are." Vi smashed her fist upon the floor, a few tiles cracked from the impact.

"Dammit!" she roared, "I'm going freakin' crazy here!"

"Welcome to the show," commented the Viktor-knob.

"You!" Vi pointed to the door, "Summon another size shrinking drink. Now!"

"Why? There's already one on the table." Vi didn't need to take a pause. Of course, on the glass table was a new flask with the same 'Drink me' label. It even was in the same spot as the original. She could feel that the door was winding up an insult aimed at her vision.

"Not a word!" she glared at him. The Viktor-knob fell silent.

Vi swallowed the flask whole like a pill, not taking the time to perform the tedious task of unscrewing the cap. Seconds later, she was shrunken down to the door's size scale.

"There we are!" the door praised, "You have the key, now, right?"

Vi's response was jamming the key into the whole and twisting it. The door, now unlocked finally, began to budge.

"Oh, right! Another thing, Miss!" the knob quickly spoke up.

"What's that?" Vi asked as she opened the door fully.

Suddenly, water flowed into the room through the doorway. Vi gasped as she was swiped off her feet and dragged out the door via the strong current.

"How well are you able to swim!?" the knob called out after her before shutting.

Before Vi can shout a curse back at him she was pulled beneath the surface by a crashing tidal wave. The current kept pushing her forward as she struggled to pull herself topside. Her big gloves made paddling a whole easier as they pushed more water away from her body. Vi took a huge inhale as she broke through the surface. Shaking off her dizziness, she rotated herself around.

She wasn't in the room anymore, instead she found herself with a huge body of water. It was like the middle of the ocean beneath a black night sky, devoid of any stars or even a moon. Vi continued treading water and staying afloat. The thick fog rolling over made it hard to see very far, not that there was anything but sea.

"…H-how the fu-" The enforcer was totally speechless. Had she not been in a room underground just moments ago? What kind of twisted dimension had she wandered into?

The fog then cleared up and she was able to get more range within her sights. Somewhere in the near distance, a bit off to the west, she was able to make out…land. This came as a relief, so she wasn't lost at a randomly placed sea.

Vi breast stroked the whole way to the shore. The swim took, give or take, about fifteen minutes until she hit the banks. She then collapsed onto the sand as she caught her breath. Her arms were tired from moving about and the gauntlets only added extra weight. Vi slowly lifted her head when she what was next to her.

A path of boot prints, those that she had seen before somewhere in the evidence wing of the station back in Piltover. They belonged to Jinx! The loose cannon had been here. Vi's determination fueled her fires once more as she pulled herself up. She could still catch her nemesis.

"You can't run from me, Jinx," Vi growled as she rung out her wet hair, "I'll always find you."

She then jogged off, following the prints in the sand into the woods which rested just beyond the narrow beach.


	3. Storytime with the Tweedles

**AN: This chapter will make up for the lack of content next week since its kind of a no show for me. Regular updates will resume next, next week. (Not this coming week the week after that week). K? :) So forgive me, if this chapter seems rushed.**

The boot prints became more faded as Vi followed them down the path through the woods. Said path would often times twist and turn and never seemed to go in a straight line. Vi could swear that she was going in circles half the time, but the directions she took didn't seem to add up to that conclusion. By now, Jinx's prints were no longer visible, but the enforcer just kept pushing on.

After a brief rise in the path, it went straight through the trees themselves rather than staying out in the clearing. It didn't deteriorate Vi, she simply began pushing through the leaves and branches.

All at once, Vi suddenly smacked into something that felt far too hard to be a tree trunk. She groaned in pain as she rubbed her head and waited for the tiny, chirping bluebirds to stop circling. She had passed into the clearing once again, but she wasn't expecting to run into something so…spontaneous and yet somewhat familiar.

Two statues stood at the side of the path, one standing slightly taller than the other. Both were posed in straight stances with their chests inflated and hands behind their backs. They were dressed in sleeveless tunics with a red and white stripe pattern with matching trousers and plain red shoes. Small circular caps of the same palette adorned their heads. The main difference between the two was their facial features; the taller one had a single scar running down his face with a look of disdain while the other had a variation of the handle bar mustache with a maniacal grin. Vi could feel something familiar about them. They kind of looked like those two brothers from Noxus. Their names escaped her since she's only seen them on the Rift and has never personally been to Noxus. Nonetheless, she couldn't help but be impressed with the detail the creator included. How had he managed to include their color rather than leave them gray and plain?

"Cool statues," Vi commented aloud, looking over the first one. It was nice to see something somewhat normal in this odd reality. She felt uneasy as she moved over to the second one with the strange grin. Vi shuddered at it.

"This one's…kind of creepy," she said.

The eyelids of the smiling statue suddenly blinked and his smile turned into a frown. Vi jumped back as he began to move its arms out.

"Creepy!?" he repeated, offended, "I believe the word you're looking for is-"

"Ugly, repulsive, hideous," the other statue suddenly chimed in as he too began to move, taking a step forward.

"Oh, shut up!" the one with facial hair said, "You've always been jealous of my looks!" he then turned to Vi, "And you…you're one to talk you chubby handed golem!" Vi felt bitter nostalgia as the same confusion he experienced with the door once again returned.

"One second ago, you two were statues…" she said, awkwardly. The taller one gave her a skeptical look.

"Statues?" he laughed, "No, we live and breathe as you do? Couldn't you tell?"

"No," Vi shook her head, "You were standing so still. I don't think you were even breathing." The shorter one folded his arms.

"Well, if you wanted to know if we were alive so badly all you needed to do was ask," he said. Vi paused in silence.

"Who are you two?" she asked, wondering if it was a good idea to explore a bit more.

"Ah, yes!" the larger man clapped, "Names, the most important element in proper introductions. I am Tweedle-Dari." He gave a bow, the other man followed the action.

"And I am Tweedle-Drav," he said. A bell rung in Vi's head.

"Darius and Draven!" she cried out, their names coming back to her. The two brothers scratched each other's heads.

"That's your name?" asked Tweedle-Dari, "How can you have two when there's only one of you?"

"No, those are your names," said Vi.

"Are you deaf, girl?" questioned Tweedle-Drav, "We just told you our names were Tweedle-Dari and Tweedle-Drav."

"I know, but-"

"Now, tell us yours," Dari didn't give her a chance to finish. Vi sighed in defeat.

"Vi," she simply said. Both Tweedles blinked in confusion.

"Vi?" questioned Drav, "As in 5? Your name is a number?" Vi raised a finger, only to have Dari talk over her.

"Well, wait! Your little face tattoo says 'V.I' therefore your name must be 6 and not 5!" he pointed out.

"No," said Vi, "That's how it's spelled. My name is Vi, and it's spelled-"

"Good grief, woman!" cried Drav, "First you don't know what your own name is and now, you tell us that you can spell out numbers!? You can't spell out 6! You can only count to it!"

"Actually," said Dari, "You can! S-I-X."

"You can!" Drav gripped his temples and gave a cry of anguish, "Everything I know is a lie!"

"For the last time! My name is Vi!" the enforcer yelled, beginning to feel that she was fighting a losing battle.

"Oh, so now its 5 again?" asked Dari. Vi pinched the bridge of her nose. At least she tried.

"Ok, fine, it's Six. My name is Six. There, happy?"

"Oh it is?" asked Drav, "Well, why didn't you say that in the first place and save me the migraines? Anyway, nice to meet you, Six."

"Yup," added Dari, "Happy day." _Lunatics_ thought Vi. She preferred them both as the bloodthirsty Noxians they were before.

"Well, this has been fun, but I gotta go," Vi began to walk away, "Psychopath on the loose and…you know how it is." Tweedle-Dari quickly intercepted her.

"But we just met you! Don't you want to stay and visit?" he asked. Vi's answer came instantly.

"No." Tweedle-Drav suddenly appeared at her other side.

"Well, we'd be bad hosts for letting you leave so soon, so please stay! We insist!"

"But I-" Vi was then lifted off her feet as the two men carried her over to a nearby log and sat her down. Tweedle-Dari then placed her on his lap as if he was a mall Santa.

"Now," he said, putting an arm around her, "How do you feel about word games?" Vi's answer was slow and awkward.

"Um…I don't like them too much."

"Wonderful, I suck at them myself. I mean I can't do a crossword to save my life."

"Oh!" chimed in Drav, "How about poetry?" He then proceeded to pull out a mile long roll of paper from beneath his stripped hat. He cleared his throat as he read aloud.

"Ode to the Mess of Purple Gunk I found in the Drain of my Bathroom Sink one November Morning…"

"How about no?" Dari stopped the dramatic reading, "We need something more like…a…I know! A story ought to liven the spirits!"

"Yes! A sound idea!" agreed Drav, "What do you think, Six?"

"I think that this counts as a hostage situation," deadpanned Vi. Dari set her down and stood up with Drav.

"Now, this is a story that our mother used to tell us when we were very small," he announced, "It's about right, wrong, love, hate, dark, light, good, evil…"

"It's about infanticide," cut in Drav, who received an elbow in his side.

"Shh! Spoilers!" hissed Dari, "It's called 'The River King and the Explorer."

"Or, 'The Story of the Morbidly Obese Catfish who Committed Mass Infanticide for Absolutely No Discernable Reason." Tweedle-Drav added.

Vi sat uncomfortably on the long as the captive audience.

….

Once upon a time…

….

"Oh, no, no," interrupted Tweedle-Dari.

"What?" asked Tweedle-Drav.

"Not 'Once Upon a Time', how many people have heard 'Once Upon a Time' at the beginning?" Drav paused in thought.

"You're right. Stop the story, we're not doing that; here's what we're going to do…"

…..

 _The sun was shining on the snow_

 _Shining with all her might_

 _She did her very best to make_

 _The icecaps smooth and bright_

 _And this was odd because it was_

 _The middle of the night_

The River King (Tahm Kench) and the Explorer (Ezreal) were walking down the Frejord. The white mass of frosted water climbed up to their knees as they trudged on to destinations unknown. The life of wanderers was mystery with everyday bringing new uncertainties. The Explorer swung his goggles around in circles by the head band while the River King puffed on a cigar.

 _Mr. River King_

 _Said the Explorer_

 _My brain begins to perk_

 _We'll sweep this clear_

 _In half a year_

 _If you don't mind the work_

The River King coughed up black smoke after a rough inhale that went down the wrong pipe. "Work!?" he repeated, how he hated hearing that word.

 _The time has come_

 _The River King said_

 _To talk of other things_

 _Of shoes and ships and sealing wax_

 _Of cabbages and kings_

 _And why the sea is boiling hot_

 _And whether pigs have wings_

 _Calloo-Callay_

 _No work today!_

 _We're cabbages and kings_

"You lost me at sealing wax, sir," said the Explorer.

"Don't listen to the words, son, just enjoy the poetic flow," answered the River King. The Explorer shrugged.

"It's because of an attitude like that we have to sleep in the carcass of a boar every night."

"Don't question me! I wear a suit and top hat!" If the Explorer had a nickel every time he heard that…

The light haired boy continuing walking ahead while the River King lumbered behind. The Explorer suddenly stopped in his tracks and called for his companion. When the River King saw what the matter was, he licked his lips.

The two had come across a Poro nesting ground. The little balls of fur bustled about in the deep snow while the largest one with a tiny crown, the king, watched over them.

"Do you know what this means?" the River Kings asked the Explorer.

"Yes, Poros are experts when it comes to food-gathering. Perhaps we might be able to befriend them with acts of kindness, then maybe they'll share their food with us." Not the answer the River King was looking for, but he took it anyway.

"Ok, sure, let's do that." _Idiot._

The River King entered the nesting grounds, cigar in mouth and strutting in a very gentlemanly manner. The Poros gazed up briefly before letting out squeaks of alarm and burrowing into the snow. The catfish gave a hearty laugh as he spoke.

 _Oh, uh, Poros, come and walk with us_

 _The day is warm and bright_

 _A pleasant walk_

 _A pleasant talk_

 _Would be a sheer delight_

The Poros rose from the snow slightly as the honeyed words seem to draw them in. The Explorer then spoke up.

 _Yes, should we get hungry on the way_

 _We'll stop and, uh, have a bite_

Cue the Poros becoming alarmed and diving right back into the snow. The River King glared at the Explorer.

"Hey, son, come here. You have something on your face." The Explorer leaned in, only to get fin-slapped across the face.

"Shut your voice hole and let me do the talking!"

 _But King Poro winked his eye_

 _And shook his light head_

 _He knew too well this was no time_

 _To leave his nesting bed_

 _The nest is nice_

 _Take my advice_

 _And stay right here_

 _The Poro King said_

The River King stepped in front of the crowned Poro and kicked him aside, sending him flying into a nearby snow bank and out of sight.

 _Yes, of course but_

 _The time has come my little friends_

 _To talk of other things_

 _Of shoes and ships and sealing wax_

 _Of cabbages and kings_

 _And why the sea is boiling hot_

 _And whether pigs have wings_

 _Come, run away_

 _With cabbages and kings_

The Poros continued staring up at the River King, so confused as to what he just said. He had lost them at sealing wax.

"Just listen to him," said the Explorer, "He's wearing a suit and a top hat." Good enough for the Poros and they didn't hesitate in following the River King out of the nesting grounds.

The duo led them to a nearby cave where the Explorer had quickly set up a crude camp ground. He started a fire and melted snow into boiling water for warm drinks to go around. The River King sat the Poros around him as he once again licked his lips. The Explorer then set the boiling water down in the middle and sat down with them.

 _Well, now, uh, let me see…AH!_

 _A bundle of icicles is what we chiefly need_

"Oh, good idea," said the Explorer, "We can have popsicles!" He then left the cave in search for such. With him gone, the River King rubbed his hands together and gathered the Poros close to him. The little creatures, who had once been so comfortable, became uneasy.

 _Now, if your ready, Poros, dear_

 _We can begin the feed_

 _Feed?!_

 _Oh, yes_

 _The time has come my little friends_

 _To talk of food and things_

The Explorer returned to the cave momentarily, a bundle of icicles secured under his arm. Before he could sit back down he noticed the River King, rubbing his belly and sucking his fingers one after the other.

 _I weep for you_

 _I deeply sympathize_

 _For I've enjoyed your company_

 _Much more then you realized_

"Uh…where are the Poros?" asked the Explorer.

 _But their answer, there came none_

 _And this was scarcely odd because_

 _They'd been eaten_

 _Every one!_

The Explorer stared down at the tiny white hairs that lay on the cave floor with the tiny bits of little horns. Utterly stupefied, he turned around and faced the River King, who was trying to leave the cave without being noticed. The Explorer gripped the icicles like they were daggers.

"I can't believe you did that…" he murmured.

"Now, let's not do anything extreme…" stuttered the River King, "Cabbages and Kings, remember?" The Explorer began approaching him slowly.

"Oh, you see…I'm going to have lunch too…and the main course is catfish!"

"Wel…uh…the time has come!" the River King cried and sprinted out the cave with the Explorer in pursuit, waving around the icicles like butcher knives.

Eventually the chase across the Frejord led them to a cliff. The River King stopped at the edge that overlooked the frozen lake below. He was suddenly tackled by the rampaging Explorer and both fell off the ledge to the ice below. For hoots, let's add the Goofy scream as they fell.

….

"The end!" Tweedle-Dari and Tweedle-Drav announced as they posed dramatically. They paused, expecting an applause of some sort but none came. They soon found out that they were talking to a blank log.

"Hey! Where'd Six go?" asked Dari.

"Oh," recalled Drav, "She left the second we began the story."

"She did?"

"I thought you knew." Dari then buried his face in his hands.

"See!? I always keep telling you that story was stupid! Goddamit! Why do I always listen to you!?" Drav scratched his chin.

"I don't know…why do you?"


	4. The White Rabbit's House

**AN: Updates are back on a weekly basis. Sorry for the wait (assuming people are reading this).**

Vi had hidden herself within the shrubbery nearby while the Tweedles continued their juvenile banter. Eventually the novelty of hearing two fully grown men argue about whose head is bigger wore off. Vi remained in hiding until the arguing died down and the brothers had left. Dusting away the leaves that clung to her, the Piltover enforcer emerged.

"What is wrong with everyone here? This place is just begging to be…no," Vi calmed herself, "It's fine, I'm cool. Totally under control…I got this."

With nowhere else to go, Vi set back down the path and took extreme caution to not deter from it. She gave the occasional head turn as she progressed, not being able to help the fact that she might be followed. In this perfectly good example of a festering manhole of an alternate reality, anything can truly happen.

Moments later, Vi's march ended. She rubbed her eyes to make sure that she wasn't seeing things. Yet another open area within the forest presented itself, and in that area sat a house. It was far too nice and decorated to belong to a woods hermit. In fact, there was even a mail box out in front of the porch. The house itself was pretty much matched the description of a children's book; square shape, two windows, a triangular roof with a chimney, etc, etc. The color also demanded attention. The lower base and second floor of the house were colored ocean blue while the roof was light pink. For the standard of this wonderland, that seemed a little mundane. To the side was even a patch of vegetables, eggplants to be exact.

Vi folded her arms as she walked through the picket fence gate and up to the front door. She really didn't know what to expect, but whoever lived here would probably tell her where she is…or maybe even where she was going.

Before Vi could do so much as lay a knuckle on the wooden door, it flew open towards her. Vi jumped back, narrowly avoiding getting smashed…and blitzed by the certain blue haired rabbit girl who rushed out of the house.

"Onward! Upward! Downward! I must go! I am later than ever!" she yelled as she ran out the door and past Vi.

"Jinx!" the enforcer roared, assuming a boxing stance, "You're not going anywhere!"

For the first time in a while, Jinx actually came to a stop before running out the front gate, she even turned around to face Vi. She blinked a couple of times before her rabbit ears perked up and her brow furrowed.

"Marry Ann!" she pointed, "What are you doing out here?"

"I'm sorry…what?" Vi lowered her gauntlets, supremely questioning what she just heard.

"Dammit, Mary Ann! This is life and death here! This is not a time to be fiddling around outdoors!" Jinx sized her up, her smaller height forced her to glare up at Vi, whose voice dropped a few decibels when she spoke.

"Jinx, I swear, if you think that this is a game-"

"Why are you still here!?" yelled Jinx, "Confound your hallow head! Quick, Marry Ann! Inside now! Fetch my gloves! Now!" A nerve in Vi had been struck. She was a rebel by nature, she hated being told what to do. The fact that it was Jinx, her hated nemesis, added insult to injury.

"Jinx…I'm going to kill-" The white rabbit girl ceased her by the shoulders roughly and spun her one eighty, then shoved her through the doorway into the house.

"Move bitch!"

Jinx slammed the door shut before Vi could try to leave. At that point, she was ready to punch a hole through said door and strangle Jinx with her own hair. However, it soon dawned on her that this house was obviously Jinx's. Vi's theory was that this place was her safe house in this land and maybe she was trying to act ignorant to throw her off and drive her crazy. Maybe that was Jinx's plan all along, lure Vi into a dimension that can diminish her sanity…just like herself. Perhaps, there was a map or blueprint of this realm somewhere in this house. Speaking of house, the inside looked like it belonged on a cover of an interior design magazine. Not a single spot on the wall was left untouched, all adorned with picture frames, clocks, and cupboards. A couch and lounge were nearby with the flight of stairs to the second floor next to it.

Vi went to the upper level. If there was anything of interest, it had to be in Jinx's room. The second floor mainly consisted of a hall leading down to a single door, the master bedroom. As Vi entered, she gave the queen sized bed a light kick. Sure enough, it jiggled. Leave it to Jinx to sleep in a water bed. The room, aside from the bed, only had a window and a dresser.

A top of the dresser was a silver box, about as big as a lock box, with engravings on it (Jinx's name in cursive if you're interested). Vi snapped her fingers, something of use had to be in there. Her hopes were quickly dashed when she removed the lid.

Candy, and a lot of it, was all the box had to offer. Small mint shaped candies filled it to the brim. "Damn," Vi deadpanned, "Well at least I still get to punch Jinx in the face."

She was about to leave the room, when she reached down and scooped up a handful of the candies. Call it a natural reflex, opening a candy box and taking whatever was inside, or maybe Vi just had a minor case of the munchies. After swallowing, an all too familiar sensation came over her. Vi's heart of wood sank, she knew what it was and proceeded to place a hand over her head and brace for impact.

As she had feared, her head smashed against the ceiling. Small dust clouds of plaster showered down on her hair, leaving grey spots in the pink. Vi brought her knees up to her chest as she sat down. She wrapped one of her arms around them. Her other was out of commission as it had crashed through the window and dangled outside. The room around her had tightened around her to the point where she could barely fit at all. Vi snorted in annoyance, aware of the fact she had once again eaten something that caused her to grow.

"Great, this again," she sighed, feeling as if she had squeezed her way into a dollhouse. The door suddenly erupted with pounding; loud, sporadic, and rapid.

"Mary Ann," called Jinx, "I'm respecting your privacy by knocking but asserting my authority as your mistress by coming in anyway."

The door was then knocked off its hinges and fell to the floor, with Jinx on it. The rabbit girl picked herself and needed only to take a few steps before slamming into one of Vi's boots. She gave it a quizzical look before slowly staring up at the giantess which was stuck in her room. Vi gave her an acknowledging stare.

"Ok, trust me, this isn't the worse position you've ever caught me in."

"AAAAH!" Jinxed screamed in terror, "Monster! Monster in my house!"

She turned heel and ran, screaming at the top of her lungs and knocking down every picture on the wall as she passed by. Vi simply shrugged and laid slightly back against the now fragile wall. There was suddenly the sound of shattering glass then a thud. Vi glanced down the hallway and could see a broken window at the end.

"And…the lunatic threw herself out the freakin' window…"

Jinx's screams still continued outside. Vi could watch her from the window as she sprinted down the path and out of sight in the woods. All the while screaming, "Help! Help! There's a monster in my house! A hideous, nasty, pink haired brute of unrelenting destruction!" Vi could remember one point in time a Demacian describing her as the same thing.

Nonetheless, she sat in silence, staring up at the ceiling inches away from her face, and blowing the plaster away from her mouth.

A short while later, Vi could hear Jinx coming back towards the house. It sounded as if someone else was now with her.

"Oh, it's awful, Mr. Archduke! It really is! You must see!" Jinx yelled.

"Archduke?" questioned Vi. She looked out the window and could see that Jinx was practically dragging someone by the hand. A humanoid-dog figure that greatly resembled Nasus, the champion from Shurima. Only now, he was wearing a monocle and even a fake mustache. He also ran the extra mile in wearing a suit and top hat (just what we need for this fanfic, another character with a suit and hat, trust me this is the last one). He moved and spoke much more relaxed then Jinx did.

"Yes, of course, neighbor. What seems to be the problem this time? Have the fire ants returned to the cupboard? Has the sink overflowed again? Oh, had your backyard once again become the site of sexual encounters between strangers?"

"It's a monster! And it's inside my house! Look!" Jinx pointed to Vi's giant arm sticking outside the second story window. The Archduke adjusted his monocle at the sight and gave a nod.

"Yes, that is troubling, indeed," he said, "But you have no need to worry. It seems that your house has just grown a limb, perfectly natural. In fact, my estate just grew a leg out the chimney just last month."

"No!" screamed Jinx, "That's the monster's arm! It's in my house!"

"Jinx," Vi finally spoke up, "Whose out there with you?" The white rabbit girl gasped.

"See!? It speaks! Don't listen to its frothy words! It only seeks to consume your very soul!" Jinx dropped to her knees.

"Yes, well," spoke the Archduke, "This is indeed a situation of the foremost urgency and you were right to fetch me. I will attempt to exorcise this beast from your home. And I will do so by using the most prestigious of methods."

The Archduke trotted under Vi's arm and gave it a poke. Vi twitched her hand in response.

"You!" the Archduke called.

"Yeah?" responded Vi.

"Outta this house!"

"I can't, I'm too big," said Vi. The Archduke nodded knowingly before turning to Jinx.

"The beast speaks in a dialogue which I cannot fully understand," he told her.

"Um…I'm speaking plain English here," said Vi.

"Ah, yes, I understood that. The beast states that she had no desire to leave the house and requests that you, and I quote, 'suck a big one'." The Archduke informed Jinx.

"I'm, uh, really starting to not like you, whoever you are." Vi growled.

"So, it won't leave!? What shall we do!?" cried Jinx. The Archduke gave her a fatherly pat on the head.

"Worry not, my neighbor. There is but one solution," the Archduke paused impressively, "We must burn the house to the ground."

"WHAT!?" Vi and Jinx shouted in unintentional unison.

"But you can't!" the rabbit girl protested.

"No, I must," said the Archduke, "It is the only way to rid a monster of this scale. You must trust me, I deal with things like this on a regular basis and I am so not making this up as I go along to seem impressive and not a stupid hack with a scatterbrain. Now, do you have any-" he eyes the wooden front door, "Ah, that'll do nicely."

He then proceeded to rip the door from its frame and break it down into small wooden scraps. He then began rubbing two sticks together over the pile in attempt to start a fire. All to Jinx's protests.

"But it's my house!" she argued.

"Yes! It's her house!" Vi chimed in. The Archduke continued with the sticks.

"Firstly, monster that inhabits this house, watch your language."

"But I didn't-"

"Secondly, it's not a big loss. You can simply obtain a new house."

"How!?" asked Jinx.

"You plant a seed in your garden, water it and give it sunlight." The Archduke explained.

"How many toys are in your attic?" Vi asked the obvious madman. The Archduke stirred again.

"Giantess, if you don't learn to form sentences without the use of profanity, I will personally wash your mouth out with soap," a spark emitted from the two sticks, "Ah, shouldn't be long now."

Vi's eyes darted around the miniature room for something, anything, that could shrink her down to size. Nothing was within her reach in the house, but there was the eggplant patch.

Vi quickly lowered her arm that was outside down to ground level and reached for an eggplant from the patch that was right below her hand. It was like picking up a bread crumb with a wire cutter, but she managed to pick one. Vi didn't waste the precious seconds to chew it, she just swallowed it whole.

Outside, the Archduke had put together a makeshift torch while Jinx watched with mixed opinions about this whole ordeal. She was somewhat startled by a ringing sound from her dress pocket. The source was her pocket watch, the device known for causing her so much anxiety. And that's just what it did, she gave the mini clock face one look and just like that; panic was evoked.

"Damn!" she cried, "Thanks to this monkey shine, I've forgotten how late I am! Why I'm even later then I was before! Oh, I might just set a record for being the latest, in fact! I must go at once!"

Jinx once again resumed her frantic run to wherever it was she was going, down the path to the woods.

The Archduke had finally gotten the torch lit with a flickering ball of fire. However before he could set fire to the house, he noticed that Vi's arm was no longer sticking out the window. The Piltover Enforcer, resized to all her glory, then rushed out of the doorway and past the Archduke. So fast that the torch was blown out.

"Jinx! This isn't over!" she yelled as she ran into the forest after her target, "Not by a long shot!"

The Archduke was left alone by the now empty house. Sighing to himself, he got back onto his knees and began to rub the sticks together once more.

"I'm burning this house down even if it's the last thing I ever do."

….

Vi continued running through the woods regardless of the fact that Jinx was no longer in her sight. And to think that she had come so close.

As she ventured deeper through the foliage, Vi couldn't help but feel that the trees were somehow getting taller by the second. It came to her as a strange suspicion at first, then gradually grew to a terrible realization; she was shrinking still, little by little.

"Crap!" shouted Vi as she shrunk down to the size of an insect. Now, the blades of grass even seemed to outgrow her.

She had stopped running by then, now in an ant sized state. She wasn't so sure if she had a chance anymore. She thought she had this place figured out, but it threw her a curve ball. If this forest didn't stretch on forever (Vi bet it did, given this land's maddening nature), then it was a heart stabber to think of how long it would take her find Jinx at this size let alone find a way back home.

Vi's spirit wilting was interrupted when she suddenly caught the scent of burning tobacco accompanied with the smooth recitation of Haikus.


	5. Advice from the Masterpillar

The smoking room-esque scent became more powerful as Vi followed her nose, through the blades of grass and under the mushroom caps that had spawned around (no, Teemo will not be making an appearance…at least not yet). It was then Vi found the source.

A top of a green and purple mushroom was a caterpillar, the most unusual that Vi had ever seen. The insect was taking puffs from a hookah pipe, which was oddly enough able to accommodate his size. Vi was able to take this in without fainting primarily because she comes from a world where dragons and magic exist. It was the fact that the caterpillar directly resembled Master Yi. No, it was Master Yi, the same swordsman from Ionia. Vi knew him, having been enrolled in his anger management class every other Tuesday and Wednesday.

The caterpillar wore the same multi-lensed helmet as Yi did on the rift and was even dressed in his robes. The distinguishing feature was that he had two bug antennas sticking out from his head and his lower body stretched out like Nami's fish tail. Only numerous legs sprouted from his body in the fashion of, well, a caterpillar. His upper body remained the same to his Valoran counterpart, save for the two extra sets of arms.

The Masterpillar (we'll call him that) puffed tiny Technicolor rings of smoke, humming to himself as they floated around him orderly. Beneath his mask, his eyes danced around in their sockets. Every inch around him was under his surveillance. He effortlessly spotted Vi leaning up against his mushroom as if trying to get his attention. What would've been his next smoke ring was quickly exhaled as a narrow gust of smog and he leaned down to her level as he looked her in the eyes.

"Who are you?" he asked in a relaxed tone.

"Master Yi?" asked Vi, though it seemed unlikely, she hoped that he would at least know her.

"You seem unsure about it, Master Yi. Are you certain that is your name?" asked the bug.

"No, it's…well, kind of your name." Vi said.

"Even though you use my name more than I do. But you are wrong. I am simply a caterpillar. However, most of my companions call me the Masterpillar. For reasons why, I am unsure. Maybe it's my wisdom, that's all they see in me."

"So, you don't know me?"

"Who are you?" the Masterpillar countered her question with another.

"Just a traveler, look, I just want-"

"Who are you?" the insect repeated.

"Vi, ok? It's Vi. Call me Five or Six if you want, I don't care. I just want to leave this place. I have a tolerance for craziness, and it has been met." The Masterpillar nodded knowingly.

"Then leave," he said. Vi groaned in annoyance, this better be going somewhere.

"I would if I could," she told him, "But this entire dimension is against me. Nothing makes sense here! I grow then I shrink! I'm too small then I'm too big! People I know don't know me! At this point, I'm willing to give up. Jinx can live here for all I care."

"Don't you realize how crazy you sound right now?" asked the Masterpillar as he puffed out a light blue ghost from his hookah casually. Vi gave him a stupid look.

"I'm talking to a caterpillar smoking a hookah on a mushroom. I think I'm far past the point of crazy," she said.

"You begin to understand," said the insect.

"Understand what?" asked Vi.

"That you understand that which cannot be understood."

"I understand that which cannot be understood?"

"Yes, you're correct," nodded the Masterpillar.

"…What?"

The Masterpillar then shoved the mouthpiece of the hookah in front of Vi's face.

"Inhale," he instructed her.

"How will this help me?" she asked.

"It should help you understand, come to terms…or perhaps help you relax. Heaven knows you need to." Vi took the pipe and held it to her mouth.

"If this makes me shrink, I'm going to strangle you," she threatened the insect and took a hit from the hookah. She handed the piece back to him after exhaling out an orange-yellow cloud. The taste was akin to rusted metal and Vi spat to her side.

"How do you feel?" the Masterpillar asked.

"Still confused." Vi said, feeling no different then before.

"Yes," the bug nodded again, "You're on your way to enlightment."

"Ok, what's your deal?" growled Vi, "Do you feed off my misery or something? I don't want to be 'enlightened' or relax! I just want to get back to my normal size and get the hell out of here before I throw my sanity off a cliff and watch it burn!" The Masterpillar tapped his fingers together after a pause.

"Normal?" he recited, "Normal, what is normal?"

"My normal height," said Vi, "Five foot seven. Much, much taller than I am now."

"Maybe so, but with all this growing and shrinking you've done, who's to say that you're at your normal height now? Has the standard changed? Was there even a standard? And if so, who set it?"

Vi raised a finger, as if she was about to say 'cut the bullcrap' when it suddenly dawned on her.

"I finally see what you mean," she gasped, "You're saying that nothing can be normal or sane here, in a world with no rules. Nothing is absolute, normal doesn't exist here and I'm having trouble accepting it." The Masterpillar winked his eye and applauded her.

"At last, you learn," he said, "And to the victor goes the spoils."

He then reached under himself and pulled out two mushrooms; one green and one purple. He motioned to the green one first, then the latter.

"This one will increase your size and this one will decrease. You may use them however you want." Vi took the green one, its size required her to hold it with two hands.

"Thanks, Masterpillar," she said. The insect bowed.

"You'll find your path to enlightment soon. Whether you choose freedom from this land or to continue pursuing whatever has brought you here, it will only be the stepping stone."

Vi looked over the mushroom. Hopefully, it wouldn't cause her to hallucinate; this whole adventure so far had just been one gigantic trip in itself. She took a careful nibble out of the shroom, trying not to consume so much that she becomes a giantess like last time. The gulp that accompanied the swallowing could be argued to have been a nervous one. With her stomach beginning to tickle, Vi took a deep breath and felt her size shift.

"Please be the right size, please be the right size, please be the right size," she chanted to herself before slowly opening her eyes.

To her surprise, things had finally gone her way. Her head wasn't in the clouds and the trees didn't measure up to her knees. Vi had found herself standing in the woods that she had spent the last hours exploring. She gave a celebratory fist pump.

"Yes! Yes! I'm back on the road!"

Vi opened her hand, revealing the mushroom she had taken a bite out of. It now fit perfectly in her palm and was intact for the most part, save for the teeth marks. The Enforcer placed it in her pocket, seeing how she might be able to use it again should she need to. Better safe than sorry she thought.

Below in the blades of grass and among the mushrooms, the Masterpillar watched as Vi walked away. Whether she would continue her chase or go home was entirely up to her. The insect smiled to himself as he took one final puff from his hookah.

"Wonderland needs more people like her," he said.

The Masterpillar laid his pipe down and curled up his lower body in a spiral like position. The wind rolled in, just as he began the construction of his cocoon.


	6. The Duchess and The Cook

Vi was lazily kicking a rock around like a soccer ball as she progressed onward. She figured that eventually she would come across the exit of the realm or Jinx. Which ever happens first, she would welcome it.

Soon the number of trees began to lessen, hinting that she was about reach a place of interest. The path rose and the wilderness immersion was suddenly broken. Vi had once again come across another house. Though house isn't the word to be used here; it was a mansion. A colonial style mansion with perhaps three to four floors and smoke stacks, giving it the appearance of a factory. A bland brick factory at that.

Vi noticed that someone was standing in front of the double doored entrance. A man with gold hair and lengthy beard of the matching color, dressed in footman's livery. Very professional looking had it not be for the out of place Viking helmet he wore. He didn't even seem to be paying it any mind. He just stood there, gracefully posed with his hands behind his back and feet close together. Vi struggled to recall his name. _Owen? Orlock? Olaf? Yes, Olaf!_

At this point, someone else made an appearance. Walking up to the Olaf footman was yet another Freljord native, a cheery muscular man with a mustache wearing a satchel over his shoulder and dressed in a courier uniform. He approached the footman and reached into his bag, presenting a scarlet envelope.

"Invitation for the Duchess," he said, handing it to the servant, "The Queen requests that she attend her croquet game." The Olaf variant took the envelope and frowned.

"Oh joy," he muttered, "Another thing for the Duchess. It's always about her. What about the footman? Does he not get any lover?" The Courier snapped his fingers.

"That reminds me," the larger man said and reached back into his satchel and pulled out another envelope. The footman looked at it with glee.

"Am I invited too?" he asked.

"Nope, jury duty," smiled the courier.

"Gee, thanks," the Olaf footman again frowned and snatched the piece of mail from his hand.

"Anytime!" the mustached courier didn't lose his joyful composure. The two bid each other farewell before the courier merrily skipped away, leaving the footman alone to sulk.

Vi had observed this encounter. _Queen? Duchess? You mean to tell me that this demented Hell hole actually has a system of royalty? If I've seen the common people, then what's the ruler like?_ She shuddered at her estimates of the picture.

At the same time, her interest spiked. Vi proceeded up to the mansion entrance, past the unnoticing footman, and knocked on the door. Her Hextech Gauntlets caused the light pounding to echo a tad bit.

"Who are you?" the Olaf footman suddenly decided to take interest, "Are you with the scouts? We already told you, we don't like cookies!"

"Um, I'm not. I just want to see whoever lives here," said Vi.

"Well, you won't get very far by knocking," said the footman, "There's far too much of a ruckus inside for them to hear you."

"Can you let me in, then?" asked Vi.

"Why would you want to be inside when its such a nice day out here? You know, here outside…alone with the trees….nature…and the voices…" Vi gulped.

"Wow, that sounds…super appealing. But I really want to speak with whoever owns this place," she motioned at the door, "So, can you please let me in?"

"If you were inside I can let you outside," said the Olaf footman.

"Yes, I'm sure you can. Again, I want to go inside." The servant's head then slowly drifted upwards as he stared blankly at the sky.

"I know how you feel, I sometimes think about home too…" Vi cringed a bit.

"I feel we're getting a bit off topic here."

She then unintentionally leaned up against the door. Even though the force she exerted wasn't a whole lot, the door creaked open slightly. Needless to say, Vi was bit taken back that the door wasn't even fully shut much less locked. She gave an awkward glance at the spaced out Olaf footman before she entered the door way.

"Ok, I'm going in. I hope that's ok," she said.

"I can still hear their screams, papa." The footman said, completely ignoring her.

"Ok…bye." Vi then entered the mansion and shut the door behind her.

The precise millisecond when Vi turned around after closing the door, she was greeted by a plate flying directly toward her. She gasped and ducked and the plate glided over her before breaking into pieces upon smashing against the door.

As Vi stood up she found that she was in a sort of living room/kitchen. A couple of chairs, some more like thrones, were in front of a lighted fireplace mantle. An industrial sized kitchen was connected to the room. Right next to the mantle was a baby's cradle rocking back and forth. All chairs faced away from the entrance, but it did look like someone was sitting in the largest one.

Vi suddenly stuttered as she felt the sharp sting of pepper in her nostrils. She put an elbow to her face and sneezed loud and hard. This repeated at least nine times. When Vi looked up towards the ceiling she could see that it was in fact barely visible. It was hidden beneath an atmosphere of pure pepper clouds. The air was completely polluted with the spice for a presumably strange reason. Vi would find out why soon enough. The sound of shattering glass and cookware pounding could be heard coming from inside the kitchen. Every now and then a plate or two would come flying out and smash against a wall. Vi had to keep a lookout for any more of them coming her way.

"Hello?" she called out.

The chair stirred and whoever was sitting in it stood up and faced her. A woman, clad in a noble's dress that dragged behind her as she walked. Again, a Viking helmet adorned her head with one of the blue ice like horns broken off. Her face displayed the same hardness of a veteran soldier. To Vi, she looked like one of the tribe leaders from the Freljord; the meaner one as the other champions described her. The woman addressed her in a commanding tone.

"How did you get in here? I keep telling you, I don't like cookies!"

"I'm not who you think I am, I'm not selling cookies!" Vi said. The woman in the dress and Viking helmet raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, you're not?"

The ruckus in the kitchen suddenly came to a screeching halt and frantic shuffling took its place. Another woman popped her head around the corner and into the room before coming into full view. A younger woman with white hair dressed in chief's apparel complete with an apron and hat. In her hands were two pepper grinders. She was most likely the reason why pepper filled the air.

"Is it the scouts again, Duchess?" she half shouted neurotically, "We don't like cookies!"

"No, Ashe, it isn't! It's just a total stranger that let herself in my home!" the noble woman, apparently called the Duchess, yelled back. Another familiar face to Vi, it seemed. The cook, Ashe, then proceeded to empty an entire pepper grinder into the air, adding to the gray fog above them and causing Vi and the Duchess to sneeze a couple times.

"Oh, ok, then. On with it!" The cook waddled back into the kitchen and the mayhem she called her cooking resumed. Vi looked on with concern.

"Is she ok?" she asked. The Duchess gave her a motherly pat on the back, very unlike her Freljord counterpart.

"Don't worry, she's just fine. This is actually one of her finer days." This was promptly followed by a plate sailing over her head and crashing against the wall. The Duchess continued on as if nothing happened.

"Now tell me, why do you enter my home without an invite. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've never seen you before." Vi didn't question it. The Sejuani she's seen on the Rift was a completely different person.

"I didn't mean to trespass, I'm just need some help." Vi explained. The Duchess tilted her head. Despite everything, she seemed to be the sanest person that Vi has encountered thus far. Please don't Jinx it (pun not intended).

"So, you're a Duchess?" Vi asked.

"Not a Duchess. The Duchess," corrected the Sejuani look alike, folding her arms. She then led Vi over to the chairs where she sat her down across from her.

"And who might you be?" she asked.

"Vi," the enforcer introduced herself.

"Vi," the Duchess actually was one of the few people here to say here name correctly, "Welcome to my home. I take it, you met my footman and cook already."

"Did we mention that we don't like cookies?" the cook called from within the kitchen. Her voice was accompanied by the glass shattering.

"Yes, you made that perfectly clear." Vi said.

"Lovely…" Another cloud of pepper exited the kitchen and washed over the Duchess and Vi, who both gave a series of hefty sneezes. A few tiny ones emitted from the baby cradle beside them. The baby inside then began to cry softly and the volume gradually rose to screams until the Duchess gave the bed a rough kick and silenced it.

"You have a kid?" asked Vi, noticing. The Duchess Sejuani snorted in distaste.

"More like royal pain in my fanny! That's all my life seems to revolve around nowadays…haven't smiled once since he was born…the world would be a much better place without infants. They scream and demand like pigs and we get no rest!" Her voice displayed a powerful malice, one that a mother would never have for a child. The baby soon began to wind up another loud sob.

"Shut your mouth!" the Duchess screamed, slamming her fist on her chair's armrest, "Don't make me bring out the beating spoon!" The baby went quiet at once. Vi wanted to believe that it was only an empty threat, but given the odd bipolar like nature of the Duchess, it seemed unlikely.

"Maybe you should feed him," suggested Vi. The Duchess glared at her.

"Oh, he'd like that wouldn't he?" she sneered.

The cook suddenly emerged from the kitchen with an empty push cart. She rolled it out at like a million miles an hour before parking it in front of Vi and the Duchess before sprinting back off into the kitchen. She held a cauldron above her head like an ant with food when she returned and slammed it down on the cart.

"Soup's on!" she announced, "Today's special, Pepper broth!"

Vi gazed at the giant bowl, which was filled to the brim with pure pepper…and really nothing else.

"Where's the soup?" she asked. The cook recoiled back in offense.

"How dare you question my cooking skills!?" she withdrew a ladle from her apron, "This is the soup! It will make you strong! It's good for the bones!"

The Ashe cook scooped up the equivalent of two handfuls of the pepper and just straight up ate it. She even took the time to chew it before she swallowed. The Duchess soon joined in with a smaller spoon of her own.

"Ashe! You've done it again!" she complemented her cook, "Vi, you must try this!"

"No thanks…I already ate," gagged Vi.

"Suit yourself," the cook said before emptying an entire pepper shaker on her forearm then snorting it like coke. The affect was her sneezing in a rapid succession before her head shook as if an exorcist was being performed on her. And hey, with the way she was, she probably needed one. Vi just stared at the two feasting on the raw pepper, completely flabbergasted.

The baby began to cry loudly once more. The Duchess responded by whipping the cradle with her spoon, a bit too hard. The bed toppled over and the baby rolled out on the floor. It was covered a white blanket bundle, so Vi couldn't see it.

"Hush, son!" the Duchess scolded, "The grown-ups are eating!"

Vi instinctively dove to the floor and picked the baby up. She held it against her and gave it light back pats until its whimpering stopped.

"The hell is wrong with you!?" she yelled at the Duchess, who looked at her with disgust.

"That's very cruel, Vi. You're spoiling him."

The Ashe cook then grabbed the still relatively full cauldron and pepper and chucked it back into the kitchen. The sound of it crashing echoed throughout the room, followed by an entire cupboard falling off the wall and breaking on the floor and about a hundred other glass plates shattering. At one point there was even a cat yelping.

"Soup's over!" the cook screamed, "Time for the salad!" She rushed back into her kitchen lair. The noise of pure chaos ensued with maniacal laughter. Plates again began firing out of the room. The thin pepper fog on the ceiling thickened more than ever with the shakers rattling like maracas.

It had occurred to Vi that the best course of action would be to make a mad dash to the door with the infant. Call it kidnapping if you will, but this was not the safest place for a child. But Vi couldn't let this whole encounter be a waste time, she needed information. That's why she entered the mansion in the first place. She remembered the invitation that the footman had received.

"So…I hear that there's a Queen here," Vi changed the subject abruptly. It had worked, the Duchess snapped to attention upon hearing the word 'Queen'. She was so focused that when a rogue plate hurled from the kitchen to her face, she caught it with one hand and tossed it back from whence it came. Glass breaking against someone's head could be heard.

"I'm ok!" the cook called.

"A Queen?" said the Duchess, "Of course, there's a Queen; the Red Queen. The Queen of Hearts. She's actually quite a dear friend of mine."

"Where can I find her?" Vi asked. If Jinx wasn't the Queen, then who was?

"Her palace," the Duchess answered.

"Where's that?"

"Mmm, depends on how she is feeling. It could be close by or miles away." Vi sank in her chair. Not the answer she wanted…or had been expecting.

"You should know, you got invited to a croquet match or something." The Duchess shot up from her seat and put both hands on her face.

"I did!?" she screamed, "Oh, I must get ready! At once!" She then quickly left the room before Vi could say anything else to her.

"Hey! Wait!" she called.

Vi was caught off guard when a plate suddenly smacked her in the face. She jumped and covered her face with a gauntlet before she breathed in quite the amount of pepper and sneezed so hard, it actually caused her a bit of pain. More plates began to pelt her gauntlet shielding her face. At one point the cook would have to run out of plates, but Vi wasn't going to stick around to see how long to find out.

She tucked the baby under her arm and held out a hand in front of it. Vi then dashed towards the door. She blocked all the oncoming plates the entire way across the room. The door didn't make a difference, Vi simply smashed through it and trampled over it. She passed by the footman Olaf outside, who seemed to be having a rather heated debate with a rust colored leaf that had apparently landed on his head.

Vi continued running until the Duchess' mansion was out of view and the pepper scent was replaced by that of pine. Breathing heavily, she sat down on a tree stump and held the baby in her arms.

"Don't worry, kid, you're safe now," she cooed to the child, who didn't move or even make a sound anymore.

Curious, Vi removed the blankets covering it. She nearly jumped at what she saw.

There wasn't a baby at all, at least not a human child. What awaited her inside the bundle was a juvenile boar, whose tusks had just started to grow in. The pig snorted and squealed until Vi placed it gently down on the forest floor. It rose to its stubby little legs and looked back at her before grunting and trotting off into the wilderness in search of truffles.

It was a good thing Vi was sitting down at that moment, as she was feeling a little faint. She rested her head on one of her fists and exhaled. What just happened? The baby was literally a pig all along? How could it have sounded so human?

 _I'm trying to find logic in a world with none again, aren't I?_ Vi pinched herself.

"They grow up so fast, don't they?" a cracking and maniacal voice cackled from the trees above her.


	7. The Cheshire Ziggs

"Who's there?' demanded Vi, blindly scanning about the tree branches hanging above her, but was unable to see whoever was speaking. She certainly didn't like the sound of it, judging by the crazy voice walking the tight rope between a hiss and a cackle.

Then, upon a twisted branch, like a photo in a red room, faded in a small body followed by a head. It was a brown and fuzzy creature with grayish stripes on his fur. The ears pointed out in a feline fashion, one with a brass earring hanging from the lobe. Its face was that of a Yordle with an extremely stretched grin. It soon clicked: it was that other maniac in Vi's life, the mad bomber that was Ziggs! There was no getting around it. His frame took on more of a cat like shape with a skinny tail and longer and more defined limbs as opposed to the stubby arms and legs that Yordles usually had. He wasn't wearing his normal demolitions suit, in fact he wore nothing at all. (No worries, this stayed in the G rated area. I'm not entirely sure how Yordle anatomy works, but I think it's close to the way most cartoon character are. I mean look at Rumble's rumble in the jungle skin; he's not wearing any pants.)

The grinning cat/Yordle hybrid laid casually on the branch and looked down at Vi.

"Hello there," he purred.

"Zi-," Vi stopped herself, she knew better know. This wasn't the Ziggs she knew.

"Have a case of the stutters, do we?" playfully asked the smiling creature.

"You're not Ziggs." Vi simply said.

"That's Cheshire Ziggs to you, Miss," he corrected.

"Cheshire? The hell does that mean?" The Cheshire Ziggs shrugged at her question.

"I don't know."

There was a prolonged silence…

"…you smell like a seahorse."

"W-what?"

"Now that the ice has been broken, I couldn't help but notice that you just came from the Duchess' home," said the Cheshire Ziggs, completely ignoring his previous statement.

"…You'd be right." Vi was in mental debate on whether or not she should start running again.

"Not bad, I used to live there, you know. She called me 'pet'. Yuck! Can you imagine?"

"No…"

"No, seriously! Imagine having to put your hands together and move them up and down in medium paced intervals over and over in order to get a meal! Sickness! Sickness in its purest form I say!"

"Why didn't you just tell her that you were hungry? I mean you're talking to me pretty well." Vi asked. The Cheshire Ziggs' smiling never went away.

"The Duchess never had an ear for the animal folk. All I had to work with was 'purr', 'meow', 'hiss', and peeing on the rug in an act of rebellion….Oh, how I miss it so! Those were the glory days!"

"Of course…" said Vi after an awkward pause.

"You look lost, Miss." The Cheshire Ziggs said.

"I guess," muttered Vi, "I take it you wouldn't know where Jinx went."

"Jinx?" questioned the cat/Yordle, tilting his head. His grin making it seem like something out of a psychological horror movie.

"White rabbit," rephrased Vi.

"Double chin!" the Piltover enforcer gave him a queer look, "Oh, sorry. I thought we were playing a game of words."

"So, you don't know where I should go?"

"Well, does it matter? Wait…you know what? It does matter! It matters immensely! As the old saying goes, it's not the destination that counts but the journey. But if that's true then why have a destination at all?" The Cheshire Ziggs then vanished from the tree branch for a brief moment before reappearing from literal thin air next to Vi on a much lower limb on the tree. She jumped at bit at the suddenness of it.

"But what would be the destination without the journey?" she asked him, feeling the need to probe a bit deeper into the logic of this world, "Isn't that kind of stupid? Isn't that like making a sandwich without bread?"

"Ah, but what if you don't like bread?" The Cheshire Ziggs countered. Vi let out a defeated sigh.

"I don't need to discuss philosophy with you. I just want to know where to go." The cat/Yordle hybrid chuckled a bit.

"Then you don't know that much about Wonderland," he said.

"I know that it's full of insane people," spat Vi.

"Insane? Ouchie!" the Cheshire Ziggs faked a hurt look, "Miss, we prefer the term 'mad' down here. 'Insane' usually carries a strong negative meaning."

"We? Who do you mean by we?" asked Vi.

"All of us, of course. We're all mad here. I'm mad, they're mad, and I'm pretty sure you're mad. Why else would you be here in the first place?"

"You know, in light of everything that I've been through today…I honestly can say that I can't argue with you," shrugged Vi, "When….if I get out of here, I really don't see myself as the same person who fell down that hole." The Cheshire Ziggs nodded.

"That's a good girl," he purred, "Now, where is it that you want to go?"

"I thought you said it didn't matter."

"Yes and no. It may not matter where you end up, but the ride will be pretty sweet up until that point. I'll know…I'll be watching." Vi shuddered, she didn't doubt it. At least she wouldn't have to see his creepy grin all the time.

"Jinx, the white rabbit. Tell me where I can her," she requested.

"Yes, in order to find the white rabbit you must…" The Cheshire Ziggs paused impressively.

"Yes?"

"….go ask someone else because I haven't the slightest idea." Vi's face fell.

"Ok, great. Who? What kind of totally insane-"

"Mad," the Cheshire Ziggs corrected.

"I don't care," Vi continued unfazed, "totally insane person are you going to have me go to who will probably waste my time rather than actually helping me out? Fire away! I'm ready for anything at this point! I'm here until the fat lady sings!"

"Why would you want to watch a fat lady sing?" asked the Ziggs counterpart.

"It's a figure of speech," face palmed Vi.

"Oh…I like you more and more with each passing second," he chuckled, "As you put it; the totally insane person that I'm going to have you go to who will probably waste your time rather than actually helping you out is the Mad Hatter." Vi wore a look that said 'oh boy' (the sarcastic kind).

"Judging by that name, that's not a play on words is it? This guy really is mad, right?"

"Mad as a hatter," said the Cheshire Ziggs in a sing song voice, "The crème de la crème. Why, he's the maddest hatter that Wonderland has to offer, granted that he is the only hatter in Wonderland."

"I really don't want to be around insane people…" sighed Vi.

"Well then, how have you been spending your day?" the Cheshire Ziggs playfully asked.

"Touché, Ziggs…touché."

"Gesundheit."

The Cheshire Ziggs then slowly began to fade out before Vi's eyes. Before he vanished, his tail lifted up and pointed to the East down the forest road.

"You'll want to go that way…we will meet again," he said before his body systematically began to disappear. First went his tail, then his limbs and body, and finally his head. His toothy grin of pearly whites remained a bit before vanishing all together.

Vi gave a soft exhale in mixed relief as she lifted herself from the tree stump she had been sitting on. She stretched her arms and legs before heading in the direction that had been indicated.

If going to this 'Mad Hatter' guy was the only way she would find answers, then so be it.

 _Mad Hatter, Mad Hatter,_ every mental recitation brought her more and more unease, _Mad Hatter, Mad Matter, Mad Hatter…_

 **Authors Note: I'm not entirely sure if I'm going to update next week. Just hang tight and updates will resume regularly after the Thanksgiving week.**


	8. The Mad Tea Party

**AN: Well, here it is, the Mad Tea Party. The amount of rewrites this had was TOO DAMN HIGH! On the subject of updates: finals week, we've all been there and done that, brain hemorrhages galore. I feel like an update next week is highly possible, but I can't promise it. So thanks again for your patience and for reading. Also this only recently occurred to me; but did you know that I wrote a chapter here in this LOL fanfic where Sejuani and Ashe live together and have a child...what?**

Vi would've questioned what was reality when she finally came across the house, but she had already done so numerous times earlier. The award for most bizarre thing she had ever seen while down in this Wonderland was a tie between the talking Viktor doorknob and this house. A mix of a shed and cottage (I freakin' hate that word, why did I use it?) with two chimneys that oddly enough pointed outwards like rabbit ears. And even the roof seemed to be made of fur, again, probably that of a rabbit. Vi had a hunch that this was the home of the Mad Hatter.

Her ears suddenly picked up the sour melody of singing and small glassy 'tings' of chinaware tapping against each other. It was coming from just beyond the picket fence beside the house leading to the backyard. Vi approached the garden entrance, she could begin to make out the words of the song as it grew louder. Two voices, two madness inducing cackles of voices presented the lyrics.

"A very merry unbirthday to you!"

"To who?"

"To you!"

"To me?"

"To you!"

Vi didn't like the sound of them at all. But like in most of the situations she previously faced or when Yasuo plays mid, she had no choice but to confront the insanity directly.

"Here we go," she said her prayers as she opened the gate and entered the garden.

A long table was set up under a tree by the side of the house. We're talking King Arthur and the Holy Grail table length. A white sheet of cloth covered it in a civilized manner. So much…just so much tea ware. Cups, pots, kettles, and plates; fat ones, skinny ones, ones with multiple spouts and handles or none at all, most of them were either cracked or completely broken with their contents spilling out. The plates were set up with silverware for each of the fifteen to twenty seats. Some of the platters had small treats on it such as sponge cake and biscuits. Order and chaos seemed to be feuding over control, but chaos seemed to be winning.

Despite the numerous number of chairs only three were seated…and seemed to be the only guests this party had to offer. At the end of the table, opposite from where Vi stood, sat the two singers. Each with full tea cups in one hand and arms around each other as they swayed about lazily. One of them wasn't human at all. A blue creature with an under bite of razor sharp dentals with a nose complementing the size. The red haired creature was someone who Vi had the pleasure (if you could call it that) of knowing. It was two days ago on the rift when she met him as he was, the Troll King, Trundle. They had fought over who was to jungle and top. The troll wore a tattered vest and bow tie, no longer making him look like the king he is.

His singing partner's apparel didn't differ as much, although it carried a sort of Mardi Gras jester vibe to it. What made him stand out wasn't his constant grin that would make the Cheshire Ziggs jealous, but the hulking article that was his hat, like someone pumped Caitlyn's hat with air. Attached to it was a small tag or…a joker card, weird.

 _Trundle…and Shaco…well, I was wondering when they were going to show up,_ thought Vi. The troll and clown continued their demented chorus, seemingly unaware of her presence.

"A very merry unbirthday! To you!" sang the troll.

"To who?" the jester Hatter went.

"To you!"

"To me?"

The troll didn't continue the song, he just paused. As on cue, the third party guest who had been sleeping with his head on the table, slowly rose from his slumber. A rat of human proportions…wearing a red waist coat and looking almost no different from his Zaun counterpart. At least he didn't reek of sewers here, he carried a scent of tea…much more appealing but it was still difficult to approach him like usual. _Twitch_ Vi thought, knowing the times he and Jinx would team up and raise hell wherever they went. Truth be told, she was expecting him to make an appearance as well eventually.

The rat raised a cup and the other two followed. Their cups met in a toast while he sang the last verse.

"To…yooooouuuuu!" the rodent's voice sharpened as he hit the high note. The three cheered and took sips from their tea.

The Hatter Shaco's crazy eyes danced around his their sockets as he guzzled his tea. During his iris' waltz, they stumbled across Vi, standing in front of the fence with a lost look on her face. Shocked at her sudden appearance, the Hatter did a spat out the tea he hadn't swallowed…right onto the face of the Trundle doppelganger. The troll's immediate response was also doing a tea spit take with the Twitch variant serving as his target. When the spat out tea covered him, the rat also spit took…right into his own cup. He gave a sniff of ignorance before drinking from that same cup as if nothing ever happened.

The Hatter Shaco eyes Vi peculiarly before leaping from his seat and onto the table top. He then began trekking down the entire length of the set up toward her, stepping on and crushing (unintentionally or unknowingly) every unfortunate cup, pot, plate, etc. that happened to be in his way. The Trundle and Twitch variations ran aside him, frantically trying to save their precious tea from an untimely demise.

Once the Hatter reached the end, he proceeded to perform a graceful front flip off the table and landing a perfect ten in front of Vi. Despite not being the same bringer of death as the Shaco on the Rift, Vi still found herself unnerved as he stared her down. He was in her breathing space by the time he spoke, his breath smelling of tea (again, not that bad).

"I don't recall adding you to the guest list," a small hiss was present in his tone, "Don't you know how rude it is to show up to a party uninvited?"

"Uh…sorry," said Vi, sheepishly, "I was directed here, I was told that you could help me."

"Well, I also must say sorry. We're out of room, we've reached max capacity." Vi eyed the long table with the potential to fit at least twenty people with only two occupants; a troll wolfing down a sponge cake and a rat going berserk on a stick of butter with a salad fork.

"Doesn't look full to me. If this is a party, then this isn't much of a turn up." The Hatter Shaco frowned, which is actually more terrifying then seeing him smile.

"Party? Who said anything about a party? This is tea! Tea is serious business!"

"Yeah!" the Wonderland Trundle jumped in, "Does it look like where having fun?" He then hurled his empty plate like the Duchess' cook and it shattered upon hitting a tree. The troll then raised his arms in victory before erupting into a fit of laughter…as if he was having the time of his life.

The Hatter Shaco then snapped his fingers after spending the last few moments observing Vi more closely. It seemed as if, just like that, a change of heart overcame him. Such sudden changes were to be expected in Wonderland.

"You know what? I feel as if I was a bit harsh on you. You're the first visitor we've had in a while, pink haired outsider. Come, won't you join us for tea?"

"I really don't know about that," Vi scratched her head, "I kind of have a place to be…I think." Her gauntlet clad hand was suddenly gripped by the Hatter.

"Of course you do! And it's here at the table with us!" he cackled and escorted her to a seat.

And by escorted, I mean he was practically dragging her by the hand like an eager child to a parent up onto the table and on the exact route he had taken to get to her; across the spread. Again, moment of silence to honor the chinaware that had fallen prey to their steps. Most of which were stepped by the Hatter, while Vi had made efforts to avoid any destruction. Half way across, she gave up as she had to keep in pace with her guide. When they reached the table's end, the Hatter Shaco set her down in the chair in the middle as the center of attention. He sat down beside her with the troll on her other side.

"So," the Hatter said, after seating himself, "I'd like you to meet my company," he pointed to the Trundle in the party clothes, "That's the March Troll."

"Hi there," said troll greeted her before whipping out a mustard bottle and squeezing it into his tea then slurping it down. Wait, when did he get mustard? Mustard wasn't even on the table…

The Hatter then shifted over to the rat beside him, more or less sleeping right there on the spot. "And that is the Dormouse," he introduced. The Wonderland take on Twitch came fully awake as his head rose in attention.

"Hey! I'm a Do **rat**! Rat! Not a mouse! There's a difference!" The Hatter waved him off.

"Yes! Yes! You're a real Professor Ratagan, bla ba bla, big deal!" he then regained his composure in the time frame of a light turning on and turned to Vi, "And, as you probably already guessed, I am the Mad Hatter."

Vi gave a subtle nod. "Yeah, I could tell the moment I walked in…"

"And, you must be Vi!" the March Troll spoke up.

"How'd you know my name?" gasped Vi.

"I know everything, I feel everything!" the troll said, trying to sound mysterious.

"Do you?"

"No!" he howled, "You have it written on your face!"

Vi held a hand up to her face. Sometimes she forgot she had her own two lettered name tattooed on her cheek. The Mad Hatter laughed.

"Oh. Don't feel sorry! It's a very special day! A day of merriment and joy!"

"Why's that?" Vi couldn't resist asking.

"Why, it's my unbirthday! We just finished the age old tradition of singing the song and now we're about to commence the tea drinking!"

"The hell is an unbirthday?" Vi didn't like the sound of it.

"Well," the Mad Hatter put a finger to his chin in thought, "an unbirthday is…well, it's kind of like…a…" he seemed to have lost his train of thought right then and there, "March Troll! Help me out here!"

"An unbirthday!" the troll raised a finger, "An unbirthday is when you have a birthday…but you don't! Everyone has one!"

 _What kind of sick paradox is this? You have a birthday…but you don't…_ Dammit, I wish Caitlyn was here, she loves riddles. But I'm pretty sure she doesn't wish she was here.

"So…it's a day that isn't your birthday?" the Enforcer asked.

"Woah, took the words right out of my face!" said the Hatter, "Wait, is today you're birthday, Miss. Pink Haired Outsider?"

Vi shook her head. "No."

The Mad Hatter gasped, "Well then, a very merry unbirthday to you, Miss!" He then wrapped an arm around her.

"…Please don't touch me…"

"Wait a minute!" the March Troll slammed a fist on an unsuspecting spoon and sending it flying upwards…pretty sure it never came down, "It's not my birthday either!" The Hatter then let out an excited squee.

"My goodness! Feed me meat patties and call me Ronald! It's your unbirthday too, March Troll!" The troll then joined his and Vi's embrace, the Enforcer shuffled uncomfortably as she was sandwiched between the two.

"What about you, Dorat?" asked the Hatter, "Is it your unbirthday as well?" The rat once again rose up and paused before speaking.

"Actually," he said with a toothy smile, "It's my birthday today!"

He put his arms up in celebration, expecting a thunderous applause…but none came. What followed was an awkward silence and somewhere off the distance a record scratched.

The grins on the Mad Hatter and March Troll's faces slowly faded into disappointed frowns, both of which rather looked more frightening then there usual smiling faces. They silently dismembered their huddle as Vi breathed a sigh of relief and returned to their seats.

After a couple moments of even more silence, the Hatter reached under his chair and pulled out a conveniently placed clipboard and pen. He scribbled something down while glaring and shaking his head at the Dorat.

"I'm marking you down with a zero for the day."

The Dorat gave a hurtful moan before his head crashed on the table, shaking the chinaware around him slightly. Intervals of snoring soon followed.

"Tsk, tsk," the March Troll shook his head, "Just what we were missing, a wet sandwich." He poured himself another cup of tea…then drank directly from the kettle's spout, draining all the tea from it. If that wasn't enough, he then popped the cup into his mouth like an animal cracker. After chewing and swallowing the ceramic receptacle, he let out a hefty blech.

The Mad Hatter snapped Vi out of her shocked observing with a double spouted pot of tea.

"Care for some tea?" he asked her. Geez, when Shaco spoke politely, he still sounded like he was going to carve jack o' lantern face into your torso.

"Ok…sure," replied Vi. She could only imagine what happened to those who refuse and offer from the jester.

The Hatter poured the tea in front of her, directly onto the table and not in a cup. The drink stained the white cloth an ugly tone of brown. Vi recoiled back to avoid getting any of the hot liquid in her lap.

"Can I get the tea in a cup, please?" she asked, clearly understanding the game that was being played. The Hatter obliged and did just that.

"So…" he said as he finished pouring, "What brings you to my garden? Don't tell me, it's the tea, right? I guess you can say I make a **mad** cup of tea!" He burst into clown like laughter at his own joke. The March Troll soon followed in a fit of giggles.

"I know!" he held up a stick of butter, "I can't believe it's not butter!" Ok…well, he's in his own little world.

Vi awkwardly sipped her tea, not knowing what to make of anything going on here. She simply decided to cut to the chase.

"I was told that you might know where I could find the white rabbit. Is that true? Have you seen her?" The Hatter gave a knowing nod as he lifted his hat and placed a half full teacup inside.

"I'll save that one for later," he muttered as he stuck his hat back on, "Now, you might want to slow down, what white rabbit are you talking about?"

"A blue haired, crazy eyed one. She's a dangerous criminal…at least I think she is. Now, I think she isn't the exact person I'm looking for anymore. I've been chasing her all day." The Mad Hatter and March Troll gasped at that statement.

"You've been chasing a white rabbit?" half yelled the troll.

"Yeah…" Vi tilted her head.

"Oh no!" shrieked the Hatter, "Don't chase white rabbits! Drugs are terrible!"

"Yeah!" shouted the troll, "Sure, you may feel like a winner at first! But then you metamorphose into a freaky little goblin baby thing with exploding eyes and an unquenchable hunger for funyuns!" The Dorat suddenly came awake again for the shortest time.

"Funyuns give me gas!" That was his contribution to the conversation before he returned to his sleep.

"No, there is really a white rabbit I'm trying to catch." Vi tried to explain.

"That's what they all say…before you see them on the street side offering petty sexual favors for a small fee. I've seen it…actually I haven't but I know one day I will," raved the Hatter.

"Let's hope you don't for your sake," muttered Vi, "Maybe you could tell me about the Queen you have here." Spit takes around the table once again ensued, even the Dorat woke up to take part in the event.

"You're really not from around here, are you?" asked the Hatter.

"I'm thankful for that," said Vi.

"I am too a times…anyway, the Queen…the Red Queen as you would expect is…a queen…and she's red…um…you think you're better than me?"  
"She's a total savage!" exclaimed the March Troll, "And I don't mean in the good way."

"You've know her personally?" asked Vi.

"Know her?" laughed the Hatter, "Please, we survived her! We used to work at her palace, you see. We served her tea!"

"No, we didn't!" chimed the troll, "We cleaned the bathrooms!" The Hatter shook his head.

"I clearly remember serving tea." The Dorat's snoring ceased again as he whirred to life.

"We served tea in the bathrooms," he said before returning to dreamland.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh," the Hatter and troll chorused, "That makes sense." No it doesn't…

"What happened?" Vi asked.

"She told us we wasted her time with our tea and that she deserved far better," the Hatter said, "One day she decided to not order tea, but to order our execution…haha, see what I did there?"

"'Off with their heads!' she would yell," said the March Troll, "That's all her life seems to revolve around; off with his head! Off with her head! Off with your head! Off with my head! Don't let the hearts fool you, she's a vessel of hate!"

"We escaped! We ran! We used each other as a living shields! But we made it out alive!" cheered the Hatter, "But our success was short lived, the Queen found us and…oh…oh, no….she subjected us to a fate far more worse than death." The Hatter Shaco then pointed to the side of his house where a clock hung. Its arms were frozen in place at four o'clock.

"Because she claimed she wasted her time, she cursed us with having no time at all. She froze our time directly on the hour of tea time, and so we are forced to endure an endless tea party for all eternity…"

Vi glanced up at the clock then the garden gate.

"You know, you could always just get up and walk away...nothing is really keeping you here," she suggested. Both the troll and Hatter let out a yelp.

"Are you mad? Wait, that's my job. You can't just walk out of a tea party!" the Hatter cried.

"Why?"

"It's rude."

"It's rude?" deadpanned Vi.

"Yes, it's very, very rude," chimed the March Troll in agreement.

"Ok, sure…" Vi could care less about their decision to never leave their yard. She's also willing to bet that perhaps the Queen had her guards take the battery out of the clock and just say that they used magical powers to stop time.

"You know, speaking of the Queen, we had a song we always used to sing to her…and she hated it she threatened to castrate us if we ever sung it in her presence, but we still sing it anyway," said the Mad Hatter.

"Oh! Is it the one I think you're thinking about?" eagerly asked the March Troll. The Hatter nodded.

"Yes, sir! And it goes a little something like this."

The same disfigurements that were their singing voices once again invaded the air. The Dorat even took part in this song all the way through.

 _Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!_

 _How I wonder what you're at!_

 _Up above the world you fly,_

 _Like a tea tray in the sky._

 _Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!_

 _How I wonder what you're at!_

This went on for numerous times until Vi slammed her fist on the table, seeing how they were in a trance like state as they sung and needed to be snapped out of it.

"Ok, I get it. It's like the whole 'I know song that gets on everybody's nerve' thing." Vi shuddered at it, she remembered the time when Annie and Lulu learned that song…never had so many champions wanted to leave the Rift that badly.

"It's the kind of tune you must be singing in order to get any enjoyment from," explained the Hatter.

"Since you worked at the Queen's place, do you think you could tell me how to get there? If I can't find Ji-The White Rabbit, then maybe she'll know how to get out of this place." Vi said.

"I will, but first, you must answer my riddle," the Hatter said in a sing-song voice.

"No, just tell me where to go."

"Please answer the riddle."

"No."

"Please?"

"Nope."

"Pretty please?"

"No, stop it."

"I'll be your best friend."

"Stop asking."

"Going to ask you it anyway."

"Don't even."

"I'm going to do it."

"Don't."

"Here it is…"

"Better not."

"Why is a raven like a writing desk?"

"What kind of a riddle is that? What's the answer supposed to be?"

"I don't know." The Hatter shrugged. Vi was ready to go down that road.

"Why ask me a riddle if you don't know the answer?"

"You tell me."

"Because you and you're friends are out of your minds?"

"…Sorry, I got lost in your eyes. What was that?"

"…Never mind." Vi gave up and took one last swig from her cup. Before throwing it to the ground and crushing it with her boot.

"Mazel Tov!" yelled the March Troll, observing her.

Vi got up from her seat, about ready to leave. And like most of her encounters, this one gave her absolutely nothing to work with. She'll have to try to find the Queen (or Jinx, but now that seemed unlikely) and get out of here. Before exiting the garden gate she turned around and faced the Hatter and company as they waved her farewell.

"Give yourselves a round of applause, you've done nothing but waste my time!" she said to them.

"We couldn't really do that since time doesn't exist here, little lady." The Mad Hatter motioned to the clock with the stuck hands, "Also be honest, the tea was good, right?"

"I…" Vi's tone slowly decreased in volume, "It was actually kind of good….thanks, I guess." The Hatter Shaco smiled.

"You're very welcome," he waved, "Now, on your way."

Vi left the garden, slamming the gate behind her (probably not out of anger, but more for the dramatic effect). The forest road greeted her with open arms, though she had grown to hate the damn thing for seeing it so much. The road continued past the house, it seemed to beckon to her as if Wonderland was saying 'I'm not done with you yet'. Shrugging her shoulders, Vi ventured off. The only thing keeping her going was the thought of getting back to the Rift and seeing her friends again. Caitlyn and Jayce must be looking for her by now.

Of course, after a brisk short walk, the path finally ended. The final destination; a wooden circular door inside a gigantic hedge wall that stretched endlessly from left to right. A red insignia was crudely painted on the wood; a heart with a caption under it reading; **Garden of the Red Queen.**


	9. The Queen of Hearts

**AN: Wasn't really dead!**

The scenery changed for the better as Vi entered through the gate. It no longer felt like a never ending wilderness trying to test the limits of her sanity. The garden was rather cheery, crowded with hedge mazes, bushels of colorful flowers (mostly red), and trees with roses growing out from their limbs. The grass she treaded on was neatly cut as a golf course fairway was. Close by, Vi was greeted by a royal palace. Demacians would be jealous at its elegant architecture. The garden as it turned out, seemed to make up the mammoth acres of the front yard. The palace was adorned with heart shaped windows and doors and its palette never deviated to far from shades of red.

Everything here sort of sang to Vi, a scene so beautiful that it could go on a postcard or inside a snow globe. The birds chirping, the light breeze, the beauty and majesty of the well-kept garden, the human sized cards with arms and legs painting roses on a shrub…wait…oh…this is going to be one of those times, isn't it?

Three playing cards, arms and legs spouting out from their respective corners. Their heads displayed the splitting images of a royal guard, helmet and all. Their square, two dimensional torsos each had a different number, while they all appeared to be spades; Three, Five, and Eight of spades apparently. They rotated about the shrub, picking the, oddly enough, white roses and dunking them in a bucket full of red paint it seemed before placing them back on and allowing them to dry. Vi had to be honest, she had been caught off guard here. As she approached them, the Three of spades was scolding the eight.

"Hey! Let the excess paint drip into the bucket! Not on the grass! Do you want to get caught!?"

"Well, maybe I would be more careful if Five wasn't rushing me!" The Eight card snorted. The Five card's tone was much calmer.

"Not my fault you work at the pace of a snail."

"Um…hey," Vi said, now standing by them and eyeing their activities. All cards jumped, startled out of their minds.

"Who are you!?" cried the Eight of Spades, "Did the Queen send you!? You rat us out and I swear to whatever god you have the preference of worshipping that it will be the last thing you will ever do!" Vi held her hands out in front of her as if saying 'whoa, cool it!' Again, the Five of Spades came to the rescue with his more reserved voice.

"Forgive my nervous wreck of a cohort, he tends to enter the mindset of a scared child every now and then." Vi glanced at the dripping roses on the shrub.

"What exactly are you doing?" she asked.

"Painting, her majesty, the Red Queen's roses. We had initially expected the roses to bloom in their usual shade of red, but unfortunately they're white. We must've planted the albino seeds by mistake. They must be made red before the Queen notices, she expects perfection," explained Five.

"It's your fault!" pointed Three, "You planted the seeds in the first place!"

"Well, excuse me! I-" The Five card's assertions were suddenly cut off by the thundering trumpeting of horns. Beneath their helmets, all three of the card guards' faces instantly dropped as they screamed in terror.

"Oh, no! The Queen!" they cried, frantically running about in circles.

The doors of the palace opened. Out spilled, in a shuffle like fashion, at least fifty more of the living playing cards. Clubs, Spades, Diamonds, and Hearts numbering all from two to ten. They formed a huddle of epic proportions around Vi and the other three guards (who were now gripping each other tightly and shivering uncontrollably).

The card army around them came to a stop and stood at attention, some of them had spears at their sides with the tips pointing upwards. It was then a portion of them moved aside, creating a path through the crowd. Who emerged in the open among the guards, trumpet in hand and pocket watch hanging from her dress, made Vi's blood boil.

"Jinx…"

The White Rabbit girl blew her horn once more before standing at attention like the guards.

"Announcing the arrival of her majesty, the Ruler of Wonderland; The Queen of Hearts!" she boomed, her posture straightening even more.

The cards broke into a wild applause as a woman entered from the darkness of the palace interior. Her red and heart clad dress rendered her size to that of a church bell and a scarlet cape dragged on the ground behind her. Her scepter and crown dazzled in the light of the sun that was oddly fixed on her. Vi wasn't taken back by standing in the presence of a ruler, it was who she resembled that blew her mind.

"Caitlyn!"

Indeed, the Red Queen was Wonderland's twist on the Sheriff of Piltover and Vi's very own partner herself. Her brows were furrowed and her eyes narrowed, the Queen was looking for trouble.

The White Rabbit Jinx stood proudly before she suddenly felt a light tug at her leg.

Enter the Swift Scout, Teemo, adorned with a cap, crown, and lord's garb accommodating his Yordle frame. He looked up at the White Rabbit, smile on his face and head nodding in excitement. The Jinx double rolled her eyes.

"Oh, right," she sighed, "And announcing her highness' husband. The King of Hearts."

The little king raised a tiny hand in salute to his subjects. Unlike the Queen, no sports game like cheering welcomed his arrival. Instead, a single member of the guard clapped wildly. This was followed by an unseen patron shouting 'yeah boy!'

Vi was stupefied. The ruler of this Wonderland was Caitlyn. Of course, she knew this wasn't the exact woman she fought crime with back in Piltover, but still. Not only that, but Jinx, their hated nemesis, also appeared to be her squire. Was this what she was late for? Also, why is Teemo the king?

Everyone watched as the Queen marched over to the rose shrub. The three cards who had been trying to paint the flowers bit their nails as she expected it closely. It was a rose that was dripping red liquid that had caught her eye. The Queen lightly brought a finger to it and gave it a light poke. The tip of her gloved finger was then coated with scarlet paint. Her head tilted at this.

"Roses don't leak," she growled before raising her voice, "Who's been painting my roses!?" Her roar caused everyone around her to tense up, even those not involved. Except for Vi, she always found amusement when Caitlyn got mad, her accent really sticks out when her voice is raised (which alone is a rare sight to behold). The Three of Spades sprang into action.

"It was Eight, your highness! It was Eight who is the culprit!"

"No! He lies!" cried the Eight card, "It's Five! It was his idea!" He pointed at the odd numbered card.

"Please, you majesty!" begged the Five of Spades, "We were only trying to help!"

"Silence!" roared the Red Queen, stomping her foot, "Let me see your hands!"

With their mistress' shadow completely engulfed them, the Three, Five, and Eight of Spades held their shaking hands out in front of them, palms open. Upon her brief investigation, the red paint stains upon their graspers caught the Queen's vision. She nodded silently before turning around to her multitude of subjects.

"Off with their heads!" she announced, glee somewhat evident in her tone.

The three Spade guards' screams of horror were muffled by the volume of the other cards' cheers of praise towards their leader. From the crowd, a few Diamond cards emerged and seized the guilty three by their arms and began to drag them off to the palace through the crowd. The painter cards cried and pleaded for mercy as they were forcefully traced to their doom. The little Red King hurried them along as they approached the palace doors.

"You heard the Queen! Off with their heads! Be quick now! Off with their heads as she demands! As does the King!" Poor guy, only trying to make his small self heard.

Now, Vi was the only one within the small circle the guard had trapped her in, still rather confused out of her mind. She had remained directly next to the rose shrub, awaiting an audience with the Queen. The Caitlyn-like ruler gave her chest a rough poke.

"And you are?" she interrogated, her voice now at room volume. Vi gulped, this had to be the final attempt Wonderland would make to drive her insane; taking her best friend and twisting her into a barbaric tyrant in the guise of royalty. The Enforcer was about to speak, but was quickly cut off by the accusing voice of the White Rabbit Jinx.

"I know who she is! She's that strange pink-haired brute that has been following me all day!" She gave a finger point of accusation.

"…at one point you called me Mary Ann," said Vi, remembering the episode at her house earlier.

"Oh my poor Mary Ann!" the White Rabbit girl moaned dramatically, "Don't you dare bring her into this! My house servant passed away in a tragic encounter with a home invading, giant monster!" a brief moment of silence… "What a way to go…."

"…I was also that 'monster'," said Vi, imagining how all this sounded to the Queen.

"Stranger, why do you stalk my squire?" asked the Red ruler. Vi saw fit to fib a bit here. To tell the Queen that one of her staff was in fact a dangerous criminal without any direct evidence would most likely end up with her own head in a basket beneath an axes man.

"I was…just curious to see where she was going…" her answer was spoken with a great deal of awkwardness.

"Well," the Red Queen said, understandingly, "Since you are here…in my garden…trespassing…I have but one question to ask you…" Why did she speak so menacingly?

"Which is?" Vi asked, her fight or die mode about to activate.

"Are you able to play croquet? I'm having a match today and we're short a player."

"Not sure…" Vi shrugged at the odd question, "I've never played before."

The Queen of Hearts smiled and slammed the bottom of her scepter against the soil. "Good enough! Prepare the garden! We have a game!"

The card guards around her once again erupted into cheering and orderly lined up behind the Queen in an escort. Vi, the White Rabbit Jinx, and the Red King Teemo walked alongside her as they made their way to the palace's mammoth backyard.

"Your majesty, you cannot be serious!" the White Rabbit Jinx tugged on her mistress' sleeve, "To allow this outside to take part in our games! She clearly has a dark side, she shouldn't be trusted!"

The Red Queen gave her squire a rough bop on the head with her scepter, shortly after, the little Red King also leaped up and also struck her in the same spot with the scepter of his own.

"Don't question me, Squire!" barked the Caitlyn Queen, "I am the one with the crown!"

"Obey the royalty!" the Teemo King chimed in.

Vi couldn't help but giggle at the brief pain the White Rabbit experienced. Even when she was shot a glare by the girl rubbing her head, her amusement continued. Perhaps this was all worth it.

"So…your highness," Vi constructed her words carefully, the Red Queen was like a firework that could go off at any moment, "Does the name Caitlyn ring a bell of any kind?" _Worth a shot._

The Queen didn't stop walking, but she took a pause before responding, "No, I can't say that it does…though I must admit, it is a rather pretty name…"

 _Should've guessed._ Vi remained quiet until they reached the palace's backyard. Beyond the neatly set patio and balcony that hung above it, was a baseball sized field. The floral life was lessened among this area, making room for the neatly cut grass where sporting events would be held, in this case; croquet.

"Vi? Is that you? Salutations!" The Enforcer was suddenly taken aback by the familiar voice coming from a table on the patio deck.

The Wonderland Duchess, Sejuani, rose from her seat and approached her.

"You can't tell how pleased I am to see you," she said, wrapping Vi in a happy embrace. Again, so unlike the real Sejuani.

"Oh, hi," Vi said, giving an ironic snicker, guess the Duchess had a membership in the bi-polar club with the Mad Hatter, seeing how she was never this happy. But she didn't have to deal with the constant crying of her 'child'. The Red Queen raised a brow at the two.

"Duchess, you know this stranger?" she asked.

"Yes, my friend, she visited me earlier today. Charming little child, isn't she?" _Who is this and what has she done with the Duchess?_

"Now that we are all here," the Queen clapped her hands together, "Let the game begin!"

The Card Guards saluted before scrambling to positons they were assigned. Some headed out into the field while other remained where they were, serving as spectators.

"Bring forth, the mallets and balls!" ordered the Queen.

Two guards came forward; one was walking four flamingo like creatures by leashes attached to collars around their necks while the one that walked beside him held a basket full of rodents like porcupines. If this wasn't odd enough, all of the animals appeared to be in pairs of different colors. There was a green, blue, yellow, and red flamingo accompanied by a porcupine of the matching color.

"Setting up a petting zoo here, or something?" Vi asked humorously, motioning to the animals. The Queen gave her a funny look.

"Why, those are the mallets and balls, girl," she retorted, "Were you raised under a rock?"

The Queen and Duchess both grabbed a flamingo by their legs, the Queen taking the red one and the Duchess with the yellow one. The two women handled them with such mastery, they held them upside down with the flamingos' heads inches from the ground, kind of like the heads of croquet mallets. The two flamingos even straightened their postures as they were suspended, giving their narrow bodies the shape of shafts.

Vi was handed her flamingo, the green one. She awkwardly held it by its body like bagpipes as it dangled in her hold. A small part of her didn't even think that this flamingo was even conscious anymore when it entered her arms. At least, she wasn't the only one struggling. The White Rabbit Jinx, revealed to be the fourth player, was currently locked in a match of mortal combat with the blue flamingo. The bird snapped its beak at her while she threw punches at its head.

"Foul beast!" she hollered, "Submit to me at once!"

The blue flamingo squawked loudly at her, the White Rabbit girl then covered her mouth in offence.

"Oh! Leave my mother out of this!"

"Let the game begin!" announced the King, taking the role of the referee, "Everyone to their places!" He was suddenly struck on the head by his wife.

"Wait a minute!" the Red Queen scolded him, "I'm the Queen! I'll everyone when the game begins…" she took a pause, during which a cricket chirped, "Ok, Let the game begin! Everyone to their places!"

A select few of the card guards (card guards, that's fun to say) rushed out onto the field and arranged themselves in a line. They promptly dropped into a plank position before arching their backs, mimicking the appearance of croquet wickets. The Red King then assumed the role of the referee.

"Rules are simple; hit your ball through all the hoops to win," he announced, "As is Wonderland tradition; the Queen of Hearts has the honors."

Applause accompanied the Queen as she made her way to the starting point. Her flamingo hung over her shoulder in submission while she held the quivering porcupine like a stress ball. She set the rodent on the ground and took aim with the bird. With a golf-like execution and follow through, the porcupine was off. The 'ball' swiftly shot through all the 'wickets', give it that some of the posing card guards moved a bit in order to make it so. Guess they didn't want to lose their heads.

The Red Queen Caitlyn bowed before gracefully stepping down from the starting line. Still, struggling with her own flamingo, Vi sighed as she waited for her turn. _A few couple rounds on the Rift sound really good right about now…_

….

For the entire hour of the game, the Red Queen and Duchess were in steady competition. In fact, they seemed to be the only ones capable of playing. Many tie breakers had to be held. Vi had given up mid game, since her flamingo never seemed to cooperate with her and even when she did cut a break and manage to actually hit a good shot, the card guards would always move out of the way before her porcupine could go under them. Meanwhile, White Rabbit Jinx could only do so much to help her standing in the match as she was highly focused on winning her feud with her assigned flamingo. Even with the game over, the two continued their conflict. From where she sat, Vi watched the rabbit girl and the bird do battle that carried the same weight as two kindergarteners arguing.

"Back! Back I say!" the Rabbit Jinx held up a javelin she had randomly acquired in the flamingo's direction.

The bird let out a defying screech before ripping the weapon from her grasp and flinging it away. It squawked in an insulting tone. The White Rabbit Jinx suddenly brought her hands to her chest, gasping in shock.

"They just haven't grown in yet! I have a hormone disorder!"

Another squawk from the flamingo.

"Oh! It's on now!" The blue haired girl lunged at the bird and tackled it to the ground as they began a very unorthodox form of wrestling.

Vi again chuckled at the sight. But despite small moments of victories like this, she still felt defeated. It was all a lie, a wild goose chase. The Jinx that resided in this twisted plane of existence wasn't the super criminal she had encountered so many times. It was at this point when Vi had no more questions. Majority of them she had figured out herself and the others, she didn't want to know.

 _I want to go home_ Be it out loud or mentally, the Piltover Enforcer had never said that phrase since the time she was caught in her first shoot out when she was but a scared pre-teen. Her head rested on the knuckles of her left gauntlet.

"Oh, there you are…" a cracking and familiar voice purred above Vi. She didn't have to move an inch in order for the Cheshire Ziggs to materialize atop of her head.

"Cheshire," Vi simply said, allowing the cat/Yordle hybrid to leap from her pink hair and onto the patio table she sat at, "What are you doing here?"

"I heard you were playing croquet with the Queen," he said, "Few have that honor. I came here to cheer you on…but it looks like the game is over. Did you win?"

"No," huffed Vi, "It's not exactly the easiest thing when you're playing with a fully grown flamingo as a stick." The Cheshire Ziggs nodded.

"Oh, see that's the problem. You have to use a Dodo bird, you get more power and the swing goes through much easier." Vi didn't say anything.

"So, did you ever find the White Rabbit?" The Cheshire Ziggs then noticed the Wonderland Jinx off to the side still in a violent confrontation with her flamingo. Currently, she was trying to convince the bird that no matter what it said, she would not go make love to a cactus.

"So you did find what you're looking for…" purred the grinning cat/Yordle.

"Yes and no," said Vi, "She's not who I think she is. Neither is the Queen, the Duchess, or even you. I've been chasing a freaking chamberlain this entire time. I really don't know how much more of this I can deal with here…I just want to go home."

"You don't have to be sad," laughed the Cheshire Ziggs, "Here, this will cheer you up!"

Casually, he lifted his head from his shoulders and slowly rotated it around making a 'wee' sound to really sell it. Amusement never presented itself to Vi.

"Well, that work?" asked the Cheshire Ziggs, placing his head back onto his body, "Works all the time on kiddies and adults alike."

"No," deadpanned Vi, "If I was a kid I'd probably never go near a cat again now…I think you just ruined cats for me…" For the first time, the Cheshire Ziggs frowned but only for a second.

"Is the part where you ask me how you can get home coming up yet?" he asked.

"I wasn't going to-"

"Yes, you were," he countered, "You're too predictable, asking everyone about everything regardless of who they are."

"Well, do you?" asked Vi.

"Do I what?"

"Do you know how to get me home?"

"Of course, who doesn't?" the Cheshire Ziggs then cleared his throat, "In order to get back to the place you call home, is to…"

The cat/Yordle was cut off by the back door of the palace flying open. He vanished into thin air, sensing that danger was on the way. Vi was about to yell at him to come back when high pitch screaming silenced her.

Out from the palace, ran yet another member of the Queen of Hearts' court. A little girl in a heart decorated dress and a teddy bear under her arm. Her eyes were flooded with tears as she ran for dear life. When Vi rose from her seat, the girl wrapped herself around her leg. Her voice was shaky and she trembled wildly. The Enforcer attempted to calm the child. The bear was a dead giveaway on who her Valoran counterpart was.

The Red Queen Caitlyn herself then emerged from the palace, guards at her side. Her eyes had that same rage from when Vi initially met her…someone was going to lose their head. The Queen pointed at the girl hugging the Enforcer's leg.

"She! She's the one! She did it! She is the one who stole my tarts!"

"No!" cried the girl, "It wasn't me! Honest!"

"Do not lie to your Queen, girl!" snapped the Red Queen, "Off with her head!"

The girl with the bear raised her head in a scream with accompanying sobs. Guards began approaching her. She clung to Vi's leg even harder and pounded at her knees in desperation.

"Help me, Miss!" she cried, "Help me! Don't let them get me!" Protector instincts kicked in and Vi scooped up the child in her arms.

"Wait!" she held a hand out in front of her and the card guards stopped, "Is that it? You're just going to behead a child!?"

"This is none of your concern Vi," barked the Queen, "She is a thief and must be punished. The sentence for stealing from the Queen of Hearts is death."

"C'mon, there must be some other way! She's just a kid!" Vi argued.

"Unless you want to join her as well, then I suggest you back off." The Queen stood by.

"Well…" Vi had to tread carefully here, "What…about a fair trial? Doesn't she get that? I mean she did say she didn't do it. She should get a chance to at least defend herself."

"What in the name of me is a trial?" The Queen cocked her head. _Oh boy…_

"You know…a courtroom trial. Where the accused gets a chance to defend him/herself before facing prosecution…" Vi said.

"I don't know," the Queen said, "I really just like a good execution, not too much thinking involved."

"Actually, I think a trial is a good idea." Spoke the Teemo Red King. The Queen slowly shifted her gaze down to her husband.

"…I don't think I asked for your opinion," she growled.

"Haha, no one does…" the King moaned.

"You can be the judge," Vi offered, "You get to use a tiny hammer." The Queen raised an eyebrow.

"Done!" she was sold, "Assemble the court, we have a trial today!"

The Queen led her subjects back into the palace. Once they were gone, the girl released herself from Vi's hold after nearly hugging the life out of her.

"Thank you, Miss. I'm grateful, so grateful. Do you really think that you can save me?"

"Yeah," nodded Vi, "If you say you didn't steal the Queen's…whatever it was then I believe you. We just have to convince the Queen."

"Oh, I actually did steal the tart…Tibbers was hungry," The little girl, confirmed to be the Wonderland take on Annie, motioned to her bear, "See you at the trial, Miss." She then skipped away into the palace, humming the tune to 'Baby Bumblebee'.

Vi was left alone in the courtyard. She nodded a couple of times before an ironic smile spread across her face. As she entered the palace, she came across a card guard just beyond the door. She took off one of her Hextech gauntlets and handed it to him.

"Here, hit me as hard as you can."


	10. How Not to Run a Trial

**AN: No words can describe how sorry I am. Sorry for the long wait, you'd be happy to know I never planned to abandon this. In fact, I can promise that the last chapter will be added sometime during the weekend. If you've stuck with me this long, then thanks, you deserve a medal for waiting like this.**

All eyes immediately locked onto Vi as she entered the court room of the Red Queen. The accused Annie counterpart was practically dragging her along down the aisle. She seemed mighty eager to prove her innocence or at least have Vi do it for her. The jury largely composed of the Queen's very own card guards. Definitely not a jury of peers. Seated among them was the Olaf Footman, answering his summons for jury duty. Now, at this point you may stop and ask me 'how can he get jury duty to a court session that wasn't even planned until this moment?' Have you learned nothing from this entire story? Only the foolish try to find logic in a place where none exists.

Seated on the judge stand was the Red Queen Caitlyn herself, gavel twirling about in her fingers as she waited to pass judgement. The Red King Teemo sat next to her on a stack of books so he can reach the table top, he really looked happy to be there. It was when Vi reached her stand with the heart-clad Annie she saw two more patrons enter from the side and stand at attention by the Queen. A brutish, scar faced man with his shorter but no longer grinning brother…

"Dari? Drav?" Vi recognized them. The two Tweedles seemed to lack their jovial spirit from their first encounter.

"You shouldn't have come here, Six," sighed Tweedle-Dari, still calling her by the name they bestowed on her.

"The endless woods are far more welcoming." Tweedle-Drav commented, almost in monotone. The Red Queen raised an eyebrow when she noticed the three conversing.

"Vi, how is it that you know my commander and executioner?" she asked.

"They're who?"

"My commander and executioner," nodded the Queen Caitlyn, "How else do you think I keep my guards trained and professional? And what of the heads of the guilty? How else will they roll? Do we just sit around and wait? No! I have these two to thank for it!"

She then put her arms around the Tweedles. They shifted uncomfortably and silently hissed in their Queen's hug.

"I love my big boys," the Queen said in a sing song voice.

"She's a mad woman!" Tweedle-Dari whispered to Vi, "Run away! Run away!"

"Bad touch! Bad touch!" his brother whimpered.

Vi found herself pitying the two brothers. However, her sympathy was interrupted by the crash of the court room doors flying open and the last person on the guest list presented herself. The White Rabbit Jinx scurried to reach her mistress' side. She tripped on her own foot a total of three times before reaching said goal. A loud blow from her trumpet, and the court room chatter ceased.

"The trial of her majesty's, the Queen of Hearts vs. the Knave of Hearts will now commence!" she announced, "With her highness residing as the honorable judge and this…" the White Rabbit girl gave Vi a dirty look to which the Enforcer raised a middle finger, "…outsider residing as the defense for the accuse."

The blue haired girl suddenly felt a light tug at one of her ears. Take a wild guess who it was.

"Oh, right," she sighed, "And the King of Hearts residing as bailiff/record taker."

The Little King Teemo gave an impressive pose. Again, a single member of the audience clapped wildly while an unseen character cheered 'yeah boy!'

"You're the Knave of Hearts?" Vi asked the Annie counterpart, she didn't know what a Knave was, but it sounded important.

"Yuh, huh." The Knave Annie said. It can be assumed that she didn't know what it was either.

"This court is now in session!" trumpeted the White Rabbit Jinx once more.

The Queen of Hearts took the stand. She needed only a second to glare distastefully at Vi and the Knave before the gavel came down.

"Guilty!" she roared, "Off with her head! Off with her head!"

"Wait a minute!" Vi raised a hand as the child next to her tensed up, "I'm supposed to have a chance to defend her!" The Queen raised a finger at her, only to be stopped by her husband.

"She's right," he said, "As in the tradition of a trail, she now has the stand."

"You mean…" The Queen Caitlyn gagged and winced, "We actually have to…listen to her…like she matters?"

"It's the proper thing to do," said the Red King Teemo. He then received a pat and kiss on the head from his wife.

"Very well then," she said, "Bring in the first witnesses!"

The two Tweedles took the stand and addressed the court. Vi protested once more.

"Wait, I never called for witnesses. Let alone those two!" she said.

"Too bad, you're getting them," said the Queen, "On with it!"

"They weren't even there!" said Vi, "I didn't even see them up until now!"

"Yes, they were!" argued the Queen.

"Actually, we weren't there!" clarified Tweedle-Drav, "But we could be if you want us to!" His older brother then elbowed him in the side.

"You idiot! Of course she wants us to be there! It's the only way she can win this! She told us ahead of time to say it so!" Tweedle-Dari sharply said.

"Oh…ok," Tweedle-Drav regained himself, "We were there and did see the Knave steal the tart…" gasps emitted from all around the court room, "…but we really didn't." Disappointed sighs all around.

"Brother! You dense child! You weren't supposed to say that last part!" Dari yelled, "It's as if you want the Queen to send us back to the room of perpetual limbo!"

"I'm never going back to the room of perpetual limbo!" Drav shook his head.

"Well, it's always your fault when we end up there!"

"No! It's yours!"

"Yours!" Vi took advantage here.

"So, you both are saying you didn't see anything?"

"Yes!" said Drav.

"No!" said Dari.

"They can't seem to get their story straight," Vi presented to the court, "Maybe they are being influenced by a certain someone here…" she flashed the Queen Caitlyn a knowing smirk.

The Red Queen, deciding not to dig her own grave, slowly turned and faced her commander and executioner.

"You two!" she pointed to the court room exit, "Three hours in the room of perpetual limbo, now!"

"Nooo!" the Tweedles' faces fell and their heads hung. They slowly left the stand and headed down the aisle, shoving each other in the sides as they progressed. The doors shut behind them and the trial resumed.

"What's the room of perpetual limbo?" Vi asked. The Queen Caitlyn snickered at this.

"Oh, it's only a fate worse than death itself. It's a room…with a forty by sixty picture of the most nightmare inducing image one has ever seen!"

…..

Tweedle-Dari and Tweedle-Drav were huddled in a corner, eyes completely locked onto the blank wall they faced. Just behind them was a giant framed picture of an extreme close up of Lolipoppy's face (the old one). A single tear rolled down Dari's face.

"I'm looking away from it…and yet I still see it…everywhere."

…..

The Red Queen then gave her husband's shoulder a tap.

"I'd like the Tweedles' statements stripped from the record," she said.

The Teemo King nodded and whipped out a quill and parchment. He scribbled around on it for a brief moment then presented it to the court. Everyone in the room marveled at the majesty of the rough sketch depicting a Dingo wearing a Sinatra hat. The Red King then proceeded to crumble up the parchment into a ball and then eat it in one gulp.

"Splendid!" nodded the Queen, "On with the next witnesses!"

The courtroom's doors opened in an overly dramatic way. The next witnesses, three to be exact, were ushered roughly in by an escort of card guards. All of which had their lances pointed at them should they try something extreme.

The witnesses were none other than the Mad Hatter Shaco and his company; the March Troll Trundle and the ever sleepy Dorat Twitch. For Vi, it was bittersweet to see them again while the Red Queen Caitlyn gritted her teeth as the trio made their way to the stand.

"Hey, is that…Vi?" the Hatter Shaco waved a hand at her like a maniac, "Vi! Vi! Hi!"

"Be silent!" shouted the Red Queen at her former tea servants. The Hatter presented her with a mischievous smile.

"Again, I don't think these 'witnesses' were even there too," muttered Vi.

"Squire!" barked the Queen, not wanting to do the talking this time.

"Right," the White Rabbit jinx scurried in front of the witness stand and prepared to begin the questioning. Vi leaned in and listened, this was going to be good.

"Now then, Mr. Hatter, where were you at the time of the theft was committed?" asked the rabbit girl, trying too hard to sound professional.

Vi watched as the Shaco twist assessed the courtroom with glee as a child on a playground for the first time. He had a victim, an audience, and all in the presence of his former mistress. The March Troll just stared blankly at the ceiling until he was slapped back into reali-Wonderland by his friend. The Dorat just slept the entire time, what else is new?

"I was at home, having tea," the Hatter Shaco said calmly, "After all, there's really not much I can do these days…isn't that right?" His eyes flashed over to the Queen of Hearts who sneered at him.

"Do you have any evidence you wish to present to the court?" the White Rabbit Jinx asked.

The Mad Hatter causally reached under his hat and pulled out a half full cup of tea, a piping hot one at that. He then sipped it rather loudly.

"What was that?" he asked, deciding to have his fun.

"Do you have any evidence that you would like to present to the court?" the White Rabbit Jinx repeated, eyes narrowing.

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm," the Hatter Shaco assumed 'The Thinker' pose after pausing, "mmmmmmmmmmmmmm, uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh, ummmmmmmm...da…what was the question again?" He faked ignorance.

Before the Wonderland Jinx could repeat herself, the March Troll spoke up from his friend's side.

"Are you deaf!?" he yelled at the Hatter, joining the act, "She asked if you have any evidence for the court!" The Hatter playfully patted the troll's head.

"Am I deaf?" he mused, "Well, my dear March Troll, that's a complicated question. No, I am not deaf at least not in the ears, as I heard you quite well. I am turning a deaf ear towards this rabbit girl…so, she could say I'm deaf."

"Need I remind you that you are under oath?" said the White Rabbit Jinx sternly, "Lying about your deafness or lack thereof is a violation." The Mad Hatter briefly glanced up then tapped his chin in mock thought."

"I must correct you, Miss, but I do not see an oath lingering above me," he said. Twenty internet points for him.

The rabbit Jinx could add another tally to number of times she's been caught off before she could so much as start a sentence as the Red Queen furiously slammed the gavel against the stand.

"Hatter!" she roared. The Shaco twist jumped a bit at the abruptness, his hot tea splashed out from its cup and directly onto the Red King Teemo's face. The king grasped his face as he spazed and screamed violently, his high voice making the fact that the Mad Hatter just splashed his tea onto the face of a guy whose race resembles a claw machine prize even funnier. He fell out of his seat and onto the floor, no longer visible to the courtroom but his screaming was audible. His crys soon began to fade and was replaced with relieved groaning. The then calmly stood up and returned to his seat besides his wife.

"I'm ok," he chirped.

"Oh hello, your majesty," said The Hatter Shaco to the Red Queen Caitlyn, "Forgot you were here." The Queen gritted her teeth once more.

"Just answer the question, imbecile," she growled, "Do you have evidence that the Knave of Hearts stole my tart?" (Dr. Seuss eat your heart out).

"…Tarts…" paraphrased the Hatter quizzically, "Tarts…"

"Farts!" barked the March Troll immaturely.

"Be quiet, son, the adults are speaking." The Hatter Shaco gave his friend a fatherly pat.

"Tarts," he continued where he left off, "It's always the issues of less importance that you dwell upon isn't it, your highness?"

"Excuse me!?" hissed the Queen Caitlyn.

"While you worry about what you'll stuff your mouth with when the munchies are in town, you neglect your very kingdom," the Hatter pointed towards a window and his voice rose a bit, "Have you seen what's going on out there? There's people mad as…well, me, running amuck! This place is akin to a mental asylum! Look around us! Wonderland doesn't have a linear timeline! I'm locked in an eternity of endless tea parties! My friend is an immature man child and the other has a timeshare in his dreamland! Bugs and plants are speaking to us! It's not legal to own a shoehorn anymore!"

"Ice cream sandwiches keep showing up in my house while I'm asleep!" screamed an unseen jury member.

The Hatter nodded, "Ice cream sandwiches keep showing up in his house when he's asl-wait! Isn't that a good thing?"

"It's pistachio…"

"Oh, the inhumanity!" moaned the Hatter Shaco, placing his fore arm on his fore head, "We have to face the music! Wonderland just isn't Wonderful anymore!" he then pointed aggressively at the Queen, "All because of you!" The whole courtroom gasped.

There was a long pause, even the cricket that was supposed to chirp awkwardly was silent. The Red Queen Caitlyn put her hand on a fist and exhaled smoothly then leaned forward from where she sat.

"Thank you, Hatter…that has been the most helpful evidence this courtroom has ever seen...you may leave now." Believe it or not, her voice was completely void of any sarcasm or anger.

Nothing more was to be said. The Mad Hatter Shaco left the stand followed by The March Troll Trundle with the sleeping Dorat Twitch draped over his shoulder. As the Hatter passed by Vi for the last time, he placed a hand on her shoulder, leaned in and whispered, "We'll meet again."

Then he and his company were gone.

The Knave of Hearts Annie playfully nudged Vi's arm. "You're doing great!" she cheered, "The jury's siding with us!"

"How exactly?" Vi asked, "All I've done at this trail, If you can call it that, is point out the obvious and sitting here wishing I was someplace."

The Red King Teemo coughed before making an announcement.

"The next witness will now be called to the stand….Vi, you are called by the defense!"


	11. Final Evidence or The Awakening

**AN: I promised, didn't I? Bet you didn't expect it this early.**

"Excuse me, what?" argued Vi, "I'm not a witness!"

"You are now!" clapped the White Rabbit Jinx, looking forward to her stalker's impending failure.

Knowing there was no use arguing with madness, Vi rose from her seat. Her hands (rather fingertips of her gauntlets unconsciously slipped into her pockets. As they fiddled around within them, she felt something…squishy. It was the other mushroom that the Masterpillar gave her during their encounter. If Vi remembered correctly, he said that they would cause her to grow should she ever have a reason to do so…

The Enforcer swiftly popped the entire mushroom in her mouth. The Red King Teemo seemed to be the only one who saw her. He tilted his head at her.

"…breath mint," lied Vi.

"Oh," realized the King, "May I have some?"

"No, you may not." The Teemo King slunk into his seat.

"Ok…"

Vi was at the sand when she chewed and swallowed the edible. It seemed that it would take a bit of a moment to take effect since she didn't feel any different. She glanced around the room at the expectant jury then the king and queen.

"So…" she began, "I'm supposed to persuade you all that this girl didn't steal the tarts…I'll get to that, but first, let me tell you a little bit about the day I have been having." Time to gush.

"See, I'm not from around here and for that I'm extremely grateful. I've seen the best and worst of this Wonderland. Oh sorry, did I say Wonderland? I meant to say freaking lunatic asylum nothing short of a hellhole." Everyone in the room cringed in a hurtful way.

"I came thinking I was doing the world, my world, good by chasing down and taking in a dangerous convict. But instead I've been chasing around someone's bitch."

"How dare-"

"Shut up and let me finish!" Vi yelled at the angered White Rabbit Jinx. Her voice was getting louder, not because she was letting it all out but because she was in fact starting to grow. The mushrooms have taken affect.

"And it just so happens that this bitch," Vi pointed at the rabbit girl, "Belongs to even a bigger bitch!" Her finger shifted over to the Red Queen Caitlyn.

"Why I ne-" the Queen was about to express her shock but was interrupted by her husband tugging violently on her dress. He was frantically pointing at Vi, taking note of her now rapid growth. The Queen's bravery shrunk and she held her husband closely like a squeezing pillow.

"I've been held hostage by two man children and forced to listen to their bedtime stories! I was almost burnt to death by a demigod wearing a fake mustache! I've grown and shrunk so much that the idea of putting my head into Baron Nashor's mouth actually appeals to me! I took advice from a hookah smoking caterpillar and a naked Yordle!"

"Hey, what's a Yordle?" the Red King Teemo whispered to his shivering wife.

"I…haven't the slightest idea…but it sounds Finnish," she whispered.

Vi had now grown so much that her head brushed up against the ceiling and her voice was akin to a jet engine taking off.

"But the worst thing to happen to me, by far, is meeting you, your majesty!" Vi continued with her rant, "You know, I was actually expecting a leader! Somewhere here there had to be a least one sane person who would peace keep the insanity! You don't peace keep it, you're the source of it! To say you disappointed me would be an understatement! You took my hope, crapped on it, wrapped it in foil, than forced me to wear it as a hat so I could always remember how much of a parasite you are!"

Gasps emitted all around the courtroom and possibly from the rest of Wonderland. No one ever dared to insult the Red Queen. Vi angrily smashed a fist against the courtroom floor, quaking the entire building. She basked in everyone's fear.

"Oh, don't be scared!" she raised her closed fist, "I'm not going to hurt you! I'm just…gonna smoosh you into putty…"

With no rhythm or reason, Vi suddenly began shrinking. Perhaps she had grown immune to the mushroom or that it was a really small dose, who could say? Neither she or the Red Queen noticed this at first, Vi was too caught up in her dominance display and the queen continued to squeeze her husband like a stress ball.

"Then, I'm going to chew you like gum!"

The queen opened one eye cautiously, she was greeted with a now smaller Vi (back at her original size) ranting and raving at the witness' stand. Her mouth slowly curled into a smile and she casually leaned over her stand to the still fuming Vi.

"Then, I'm going to stick you under a bench when I'm through…hey, how did you get so big…what?" Vi slowly looked around then at her body then swallowed, "Oh…no."

"Oh, no," mocked the Queen, "Please continue by all means, it's not like you're threatening the ruler of a other worldly dimension who can decide your fate as if it's in a child's grasp…except you are…and I can."

"Um…" stuttered Vi, "Did…I mention how awesome of a queen you are and no one else compares to your maleficence? Ah! Magnificence! Your magnificence! That's what I said! Magnificence! You know, because you're magnificent!" Vi gave a sheepish smile.

The Red Queen Caitlyn slowly raised her head, smug smile still plastered over her face. She tapped her fingers against the stand a couple times before screaming, you guessed it, to the heavens.

"Off with her head!"

Vi cried out as the jury of card guards withdrew their weapons and sprung from the stands towards her, intend on ending her life right there and now. She stood hopelessly and brazed for the epic amount of hurt coming her way… but it never did.

The Knave of Hearts Annie leaped from her chair threw her stuffed bear directly at them. Mid-air, the bear slowly began to morph into a beast of fire and rage (and mid lane cheese). The monster known as Tibbers stood before Vi, wildly failing his claws out in front of him, diverting the guards away.

Balls of fire formed in the Knave Annie's palms as she came to her living toy's side. She blasted away at the incoming attackers before urging Vi towards the courtroom's doors.

"We'll fend them off! You save yourself!" she cried.

Vi didn't have time to say thank you or offer her assistance. Before she knew it, she was roughly scooped up by Tibber's massive paw and thrown across the room. She flew over the stands and straight out the door (crashed through it rather). She struggled to stand again, the landing on the concrete path didn't do her any favors, then sprinted away into the gardens.

"Quickly!" roared the Red Queen, seeing red (Ha, see what I did there?), "After her! Off with her head! She mustn't be allowed to escape!" She reached out and grabbed her husband and the White Rabbit Jinx, dragging them along.

While a squad of guards fought with the Knave and Tibbers, the rest followed the queen out of the courtroom and after Vi, who was headed for the front yard.

The Enforcer suddenly remembered the hedge maze.

"I'll lose them in there!" she thought aloud and quickly headed through the arch into the labyrinth. The Red Queen and her posse still relentlessly pursued her. As Vi looked back they weren't in her sight, but they were coming close.

"Off with her head! Off with her head!" she heard the Queen yelling after her.

"Run, outsider, run!" taunted the White Rabbit Jinx. Ironic that she was now chasing her.

"I don't know what we're yelling about!" cried the Red King Teemo.

The cries of her pursuers further added to the vertigo that Vi was currently experiencing running through the maze of nothing but bland green hedges with no way to know where she was headed. Either she escapes with the little sanity she has left or she dies a madwoman.

Call it fate or pure bad luck, Vi rounded her last corner and came face to face with a dead end; a blank, brick wall. She pounded on it, tried climbing it…nothing.

"No! No! No! Please!" Vi put her face in her hands. Her heart constantly sunk as she heard the demented orders of the Red Queen growing louder, they would find her soon.

"No…" she half whimpered.

"No, what?" a calm voice smoothed over her shoulder. Vi's head slowly rose.

"Yi…Masterpillar?" she recognized it.

Upon her shoulder, wasn't perched a caterpillar, but a butterfly. One with wings of silver and yellow, a multi-lensed helmet on his head, and a narrow beard on his chin.

"Masterpillar?" Vi asked again.

"No longer a larva anymore," the Master Yi insect smiled, "I have trend on greater heights with the winds of change acting as my guide."

"Please…can you get me out of here? Give a mushroom! Make me smaller!" demanded Vi.

"A mushroom, I have none and whether or not you get out is entirely up to you," The Masterfly (we'll call him that) said.

"C'mon, Yi!" she cried, using his Ionian counterpart's name, "I know you have something in your back of tricks! You always do! Give me something, anything! Just get me out of this nightmare!" The Masterfly flapped his wings and lazily fluttered in front of Vi's face.

"Nightmare…" he mused, "A dream in which the dreamer is plagued with never ending fear and, in some cases, pain. I ask you one final question, Vi, how does one escape from a nightmare?"

"It just…ends. They…wake up, but this is real…right? I mean it feels so real," answered Vi, confusion rushing over her.

"Are you experiencing fear?" inquired the Masterpillar.

"Yes," admitted Vi.

"Are you experiencing pain?"

"I will in a moment!" the Queen was approaching fast.

"Then end it. Wake up, Vi!" urged the Masterfly. Vi suddenly began to feel strange.

"Excuse me?"

"Wake up!"

"Yi, you're…not making any sense!" Vi's vision began to darken.

"Vi, you must wake up!" the Masterfly continued to shout.

"What is this!? What's happening!" Total darkness.

Off with her head!" roared the Queen.

"Vi, wake up!"

…..

"Come on, wake up!"

The numbness slowly left Vi as the darkness she saw slowly began to fade out with light. She was able to feel around her again, and she felt a hand lightly tugging at her shoulder.

"There you are, Vi."

The Enforcer's vision became crystal clear as she rubbed her eyes. The comforting sight she beheld was Caitlyn, not the Red Queen, in all her Piltover glory; sheriff's dress, top hat, and rifle hanging over her back.

"Caitlyn?" moaned Vi, "What?"

Her rather sandy eyes scanned about her…she was lying propped against a tower…in the bot lane of Summoner's Rift… _What? Was…it all a dream? All of it?_

"Are ok, Vi?" asked Caitlyn, "Or do you just take pride in sleeping on the job?"

Vi slowly rose up, using the tower as support, her partner back away from her easily. She looked about the lane. Same old towers, same old jungle, same old Caitlyn…had she truly come home?

"Is something wrong-Ah!" Caitlyn exhaled massively as Vi wrapped her in a Hextech Gauntlet bear hug.

"Cupcake!" cheered Vi, "It's never been this great seeing you!"

"Yeah…likewise. Can you out me down, please?" Caitlyn wheezed, face turning blue.

"Oh, sure," complied Vi.

"Now, is this your new strategy? Having a nap when criminals are about? Trying to lure them in by lowering your guard?" asked the Sheriff humorously.

"I guess that's what it looks like, huh?" laughed Vi

"Honestly Vi, has arresting Jinx gotten so old for you that you must occupy you're time with sleep?" Vi turned serious when Caitlyn said this.

"Wait! That's right! Jinx! Where is she? Is she still here?"

"Long story short," hummed Caitlyn, "While you saw fit to catch up on sleep, Jayce and I have been trying to reach you for a dog's age. Fearing the worst, we came to the Rift ourselves. What we found was you in what possibly might be the heaviest sleep I've ever seen you in and Jinx drawing on your face."

"She did what?" asked Vi.

"Drew on your face," repeated Caitlyn, laughing a bit, "May I say that you look much better with a mustache? It compliments your hair." She then traced her finger across Vi's upper lip then presented the tip of said finger with pink ink. Vi groaned.

"Well, at least she used a pink marker…" she sighed, "So Jayce is here, too?"

"Yes, he is," someone chuckled.

The Defender of Tomorrow himself emerged from the jungle, hammer hung impressively over his shoulder and prisoner in tow. Jayce was dragging Jinx, not the White Rabbit Girl from Wonderland, the Loose Cannon of Piltover by one of her massive blue braids. She tugged aggressively at the Hextech handcuffs that secured her.

"I can break these cuffs!" she shouted as she thrashed about as she was dragged.

"You can't break those cuffs," deadpanned Jayce as he tightened his grip on her, "Good morning, Sleeping Beauty, have a nice slumber?" he joked at Vi, who was rubbing at the drawn on mustache.

"You'd be surprised…" she said.

"In that case," said Jayce, "Lead the way, ladies. I believe that the Piltover Penitentiary has a new resident."

"But first…" chuckled Vi evilly and looked down at Jinx. She drew back a fist and launched a Hextech Gauntlet straight into the Loose Cannon's gut. Jinx let loose a gigantic pained gasp before assuming the fetal position.

"Ow! Why!?" she moaned painfully.

"Stay out of my dreams!" barked Vi.

"What?" gasped Jinx, "The hell does that mean?"

"Alright Vi, you got your revenge, save it!" scolded Caitlyn, "Believe don't worry she'll get a good run for her money in solitary confinement," she shifted over to Jinx, "Don't you worry, your padded cell is just the way you left it. You'll also be happy to know that we dry cleaned your straitjacket."

Jinx spat at the Sheriff's boots and remained respectfully silent.

"Fair enough," said Vi.

The Three Guardians of Piltover then made their way back to the fountain for extraction with Jinx in custody. As they went up the lane, Vi reflected silently. Nothing could've been sweeter than the sheer amount of comfort and reassurance she felt at that moment. The birds, the river flowing, and the breeze through the jungle. When she had joined the League, she was once told that Summoner's Rift would become her home…they were right…sweet homecoming. Vi was unaware of that the fact, that she was being watched.

"She's done well," commented the Masterfly, watching Vi until she was slowly teleported out of the Rift with her friends.

"Home at last," grinned the Cheshire Ziggs said to the butterfly perched on his head as he stretched out across the branch of the tree they were hidden in, "For now, at least. It's only a matter of time before the lure of Wonderland calls her back."

"You sound so sure of yourself, Cheshire," commented the Masterfly.

"Of myself? No. I'm sure of her…she will be back…they always comeback," the cat/Yordle snickered.

"She's wiser, now."

"And slightly more insane."

"What didn't kill her made her stronger."

"What didn't kill her will return and finish the job."

"Must you be so unpleasant?"

"Must you be so pleasant?"

"If I'm not, no one will."

"If you are, no one will care."

The Masterfly nodded.

"I like you, Cheshire."

"I like me too, Masterfly," purred the Cheshire Ziggs.

The Masterfly smoothly took flight, wing flap after wing flap and the Cheshire Ziggs leaped from the tree and onto the jungle floor.

"Oh, and Cheshire?" said the Masterfly as they made their way.

"Hmmm, yes?"

"A very merry unbirthday to you."

"To who?"

"To you."

"To me?'

"To you."

The duet performed by two voices, one smooth and calm and the other rough and chaotic, shifted into nothing more than a low echo as they allowed themselves to fall into the rabbit hole.

" _Begin at the beginning," the King said, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."_

 _-Lewis Carroll_


End file.
